View Full Version : Humor

Uncle Ben
03-22-2006, 11:51 PM
With all the latest "hi tech' chatter lately 'bout web sites and such I thought this might be appropriate.... ;)

Mujibar, from India, was trying to get a job.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the
tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot
qualify for
this job!"

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink and Green"

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister
Manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar ."

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center
for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

Uncle Ben
04-05-2006, 03:44 PM
From the demented computer of Red Fox.....

Subject: Hey, Bartender . . .

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud
voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things... One: The bartender is a blonde woman Two: The bouncer is a
blonde woman. Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional boxer Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a
professional wrestler. Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with
a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude! Now, think
about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah, not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

:lmao: :cheers:

04-05-2006, 04:15 PM
my favorite internet related joke:

Uncle Ben
04-21-2006, 11:45 AM
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do
I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually
curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been
using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is
not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with
drug-using friends, don't drink, don't worry about having to
buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes , don't need
a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you
can sell their children.

Uncle Ben
04-21-2006, 12:26 PM
Posted too early....gotta get one of these!

Chaperone TrunkMonkey (http://www.trunkmonkeyad.com/1qt.htm)

TrunkMonkey Road Rage Deterant (http://www.sillyhumor.com/trunkmonkey/)


04-21-2006, 01:30 PM
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe otu fo 100 anc.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was
ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

04-21-2006, 01:34 PM
I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
nightstand by the bed, he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

Shark Bait
04-21-2006, 05:47 PM
Oil Change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Seldom Seen
04-21-2006, 06:21 PM
Two good old boys walk out of a bar one snowy evening.

The first one says, "Look my son wrote his name in the snow"

The other replies, "Yea, but its my daughter's hand writing"

04-28-2006, 09:04 AM
got this in an email today...

Donkey Wisdom
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he
decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it
just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement
he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He
was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon , everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have .

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the **** out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.


When you do something wrong, make sure you do a good job of covering your ass, or it will always come back to bite you.

Uncle Ben
04-28-2006, 09:44 AM
Funny, I got it too in cartoon version....

Covering Your Ass (http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/farmer-donkey.swf)

got this in an email today...

Donkey Wisdom

04-28-2006, 11:42 AM
A husband and wife go to see a marriage counselor after 45 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on for almost an hour.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, and lifts the woman out of her seat. He embraces her and kisses her passionately, fondling her breasts and rubbing her buttocks. The woman shuts up and sits down quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but on weekends, I hunt.

05-08-2006, 12:29 PM
Bird flu hits Florida trailer park...oh, the humanity!