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Crash
06-07-2006, 02:26 PM
" Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:


+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border

+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? "

Shark Bait
06-07-2006, 02:37 PM
Death & taxes? :eek:

Red_Chili
06-08-2006, 07:19 AM
If you die.... you don't have to pay taxes!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Ben
06-08-2006, 07:58 AM
If you die.... you don't have to pay taxes!!!!!!!!!!!!


But someone will have to! :eek: :rolleyes:

Red_Chili
06-09-2006, 08:19 AM
If you die... you don't care!!!!!!!

nakman
07-09-2006, 10:42 AM
Ha ha.. don't ask me how I got to this site. But alas, not all Toyota drivers are genius.. http://thatvideosite.com/view/2618.html

Shark Bait
07-09-2006, 10:54 AM
At least the truck didn't endo and kill the guy !! :eek:

Rezarf
07-09-2006, 01:55 PM
Wow!

That could have been lots worse!:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

Drew

Hulk
07-11-2006, 06:32 PM
A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Uncle Ben
07-11-2006, 07:13 PM
OKay........ did you miss the title of this thread Matt?:confused: After reading all that I feel very similer to how I felt after seeing Pirates II....big build up no finish.... :rolleyes: ;)
A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Romer
07-11-2006, 07:23 PM
Yeah,
Might as well go to Mud. Someone kidnapped TUT and is holding it for ransom


http://forum.ih8mud.com/showthread.php?t=100955

Uncle Ben
07-11-2006, 07:23 PM
....Edited for you forum pleasure.....



A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to
find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down
the aisle past the man and his psittacine seat mate.

"Hey, be..atch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and
make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Goshdarnit, you lazy wh*re, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly
with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique,
the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, sl*t," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry butt--I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.

In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male
flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,
jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane
at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,

"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls." :hill:

Shark Bait
07-11-2006, 10:19 PM
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

Shark Bait
07-11-2006, 10:26 PM
An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido.
"What about trying ******?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish ******. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

Shark Bait
07-11-2006, 10:29 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

nakman
07-13-2006, 04:17 PM
A Man and his Ostrich

Bwahahahahaaa! :lmao: :lmao: brilliant!

Shark Bait
07-28-2006, 02:04 PM
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Crash
07-28-2006, 03:09 PM
....Edited for you forum pleasure.....

snip

In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male
flight attendants. snip


Burly male flight attendants? Now THAT is funny!!

nakman
07-28-2006, 03:51 PM
Got this one today:

BEST GENIE STORY OF 2006
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of
the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done ... glass was all over the place and a broken
antique
bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"

"Uh ... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like
to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you,
honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After
about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said."Thirty-five years old ... and both of you still
believe in genies?"

Hulk
08-08-2006, 11:08 PM
While walking through the Boulder woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man said, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

Red_Chili
08-09-2006, 07:21 AM
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) ..

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi,
West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys
will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don 't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday .

11thcavdrt
08-09-2006, 10:58 PM
" Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:


+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border

+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? "

_______________________________________________________________

:thumb:
Crash:

you are the man, really great ideas,espically the gators in the moat,keep
up the good work dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

doug tebbe
96 tacoma

Uncle Ben
08-24-2006, 08:28 PM
:lmao: :cheers:

Uncle Ben
08-24-2006, 08:37 PM
more....

Shark Bait
08-24-2006, 09:29 PM
Eeeeeeeewwww. :eek:

Shark Bait
08-24-2006, 09:30 PM
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

Shark Bait
08-24-2006, 09:54 PM
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

Nick F.
08-29-2006, 08:38 PM
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
:eek:

Uncle Ben
09-12-2006, 03:56 PM
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Pike County, Kentucky. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

RJ1184
09-12-2006, 09:40 PM
:thumb: :thumb:
Ain't that that truth! I could just hear him STOP DAMNIT!!!:lmao:

Uncle Ben
09-13-2006, 04:18 PM
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.!
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Sans MS; font-size: 24px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; ">Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

treerootCO
09-15-2006, 08:22 PM
this made me laugh

RJ1184
09-15-2006, 08:42 PM
Yeah that's funny.

RJ1184
09-15-2006, 08:45 PM
I liked these too!

Uncle Ben
09-20-2006, 07:13 PM
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked

"Is that one word or two?"

Nick F.
09-20-2006, 10:07 PM
http://www.break.com/index/jeep_rolls_down_mountain.html

nakman
09-20-2006, 10:16 PM
Wow!!!!! That guy's spotter had him going way left, then tries to get him to go right but all the guy in the truck could see what hood. Nice to see the cage doing its job..

Uncle Ben
10-10-2006, 08:25 PM
From our own Red Fox.....


Subject: Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island


One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."



As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.



Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!



The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"



"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.



With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"



"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.



Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."



Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"



At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"



With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

Hulk
10-10-2006, 08:43 PM
Here's my favorite version (geek version):

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life ... at least till a hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. But for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he saw a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island, "she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

"But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat.

Before he was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed. "I can't take anymore coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went in to the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, was a razor make from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here too?"
:lmao:

Nick F.
10-10-2006, 10:08 PM
I have no idea why I found this so funny:D

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1712471/

Shark Bait
10-10-2006, 10:48 PM
http://www.break.com/index/jeep_rolls_down_mountain.html

That's Hell's Gate in Moab.

Uncle Ben
10-26-2006, 10:20 AM
Why, Why, Why...???



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Nick F.
10-26-2006, 10:35 AM
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.

Hulk
10-26-2006, 11:48 AM
Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally,after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf
balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Uncle Ben
10-31-2006, 12:03 PM
A Halloween Story...................


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he
hears:


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP... behind him.



Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the
image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
toward him


BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket
bouncing quickly behind him

faster...


faster...



BUMP...



BUMP...


BUMP...



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.




However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the
casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.



Bumping and clapping toward him.



The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can
find is
a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,




(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)




The coffin stops!


Oh shut up...I just had to send it...............

Hulk
10-31-2006, 05:51 PM
Once I bought an antique trunk at a store. When I got it home, I put it in the garage, intending to clean it up. It was night, and my garage is pretty poorly lit. Anyway, I noticed in the dim light that there seemed to be smoke in the air. I backed up, and realized there was this weird spectral form over the trunk. It slowly shaped itself into a figure that looked vaguely like a guy in 19th century dress. It scared the crap out of me. "Who are you?" I said. The figure just stared. "Did you used to own this trunk?" I asked. The figure nodded slowly. "Oh my god! Can I take your picture, to prove you exist?" Again the figure nodded. I ran and got the camera. The figure was slowly starting to fade away. I aimed the camera, and shot the picture, but the batteries in the flash attachment were dead. The figure disappeared and I never saw it since, and now I don't have any photographic proof, even though the ghost seemed to give me permission.

So, you could say....

...wait for it...



...wait for it...
..."the spirit was willing but the flash was weak."

nakman
10-31-2006, 07:55 PM
I little kid dresses up like a pirate for halloween, then proceeds to go out trick-or-treating. He stops by this old lady's house, and the lady remarks.. "Oh how cute, a Pirate! ...but where are your buccaneers?"

"Right under my buckin' hat lady! how's that candy coming?"

Hulk
11-01-2006, 09:45 AM
A man and a woman who had never met before, both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly--he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Uncle Ben
11-03-2006, 01:17 PM
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity."


"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"




The devil looks at him, smiles and says, Yesterday we were
campaigning.... Today you voted."

corsair23
11-03-2006, 01:48 PM
Pretty sure no one has posted this yet...Enjoy :)

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's
response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the
response letter.


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later
than January 31,2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has
been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
the site may result this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call
their skilful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:

1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural
occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we
should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and
calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there
will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are
going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

Thank You,

Ryan De

corsair23
11-03-2006, 01:54 PM
Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush go to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decide to visit the men's room and they find a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who says, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But be warned, if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The men quickly entered, and upon finding the mirror, Ralph Nader steps up and says, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three", and he suddenly finds the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore steps up and says "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three," and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looks into the mirror and says, "I think...", and is promptly sucked into the mirror.......


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I think this was from a couple years ago…No offense meant just thought it was funny. You can replace “Democrats” with “Republicans” as you see fit…

"Voting for Democrats is like picking your nose. You like to do it, but you're not proud of it."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A recently deceased man, after arriving at the pearly gates and being admitted by St. Peter, asked "What are all these clocks for? Why do they all show different times?"

St. Peter explained. "Every person has a lie clock which advances each time they tell a lie. That one with both hands pointing to twelve was Mother Theresa's clock. She never told a lie. The one over here with just a few 'minutes' showing was Abraham Lincoln's clock. He only told a few lies."

The new arrival pondered this information, and then asked "Where is George Bush's clock?"

St. Peter replied, "Oh, Jesus has that one in his office. He's using it for a ceiling fan."

“Where are the Clinton's clocks” the man then asked?

St. Peter replied, "We use them on the twin-engine Beachcraft...as props".


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uncle Ben
11-12-2006, 09:06 AM
A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable.

The Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Uncle Ben
11-12-2006, 09:08 AM
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and
the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.



The wife asks, "Do you know her?"



"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

Uncle Ben
11-13-2006, 08:27 PM
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this
is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!"

nuclearlemon
11-13-2006, 08:59 PM
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and
the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.



The wife asks, "Do you know her?"



"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

so that's why i drink so much :hill:

Uncle Ben
11-23-2006, 10:09 AM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband re plies. I
stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without
missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man

Uncle Ben
12-06-2006, 08:56 AM
Apple Computer-Announcement Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2006 21:18:04

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

corsair23
12-06-2006, 12:09 PM
Subject: Most Embarrassing First Date Contest Winner

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

WINNER:

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that, indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." ..And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Hulk
12-11-2006, 06:02 PM
Three men: an American, Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in
the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows... "Will you look at dat," says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."

Shark Bait
12-11-2006, 09:09 PM
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Uncle Ben
12-13-2006, 02:56 PM
....Note: "I" is not me! Just copy and pasteing.... :rolleyes: ;) KE


I have a Golden retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog? (DUH!)

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't,
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.

I told her no; "I stepped off a curb to Sniff an Irish Setter's Butt and
a Car Hit Us Both".

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

ginericLC
12-13-2006, 03:24 PM
Kevin,

I have a funny dog story too.

My wife and I were in Scum Valley (If you are Kalifornian that would be Sun Valley) for an art show. I was walking our dogs around the outside of the outdoor show. A guy pulled up in a brand new Mercedes. It didn't even have tags on it yet. His wife got out and headed towards the displays. He started petting our yellow lab and was commenting on what a beautiful dog it was. Then he asked what breed our other dog was. He is actually a Yellow Lab/Standard Collie Cross but he is all black with pointy ears. He sort of looks like a mini wolf. So he asked, "What kind of dog is that dog?" I couldn't resist so I told him that he was an imported Dingo from Australia. He then started petting him and started looking at him and mumbling some words to him. Our dog sort of just stared at him looking at him like he was some sort of idiot. So then the guy asked me, "Does he understand English or do you have to speak Australian to him?" I couldn't help myself and I told him that he only understood Australian. There were some other travellers who had heard our conversation and when I explained that you had to speak Australian to him they started giggling. So then I called my dog I said, "Tossi, Come, Sit, and then Stay." He did everything I asked. And then I said, "See he understands Australian just fine, but if you just wanted to say HI you'd have to say G'day Mate."

Not as funny as yours but if you could have seen the other people trying not to laugh at this guy you would think it was funny too. On the way home I told Ginger what I had done and my comment was, "How can you be wealthy and stupid?"

ginericLC
12-13-2006, 03:36 PM
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this
is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!"


There is a problem with this story. A RAZR phone won't work anywhere but in the big towns in Montana. It doesn't support Analog which is what a lot of Monatana still is. http://www.cingular.com/support/images/maps/nat_gsm.gif And not all of the map is GSM service. All of the wireless crap pretty much won't work in most of Montana. It is still a good story though.

Uncle Ben
12-22-2006, 07:10 PM
:rolleyes:

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle.......

Tch2fly
01-02-2007, 01:09 PM
Dean Martin Show (http://youtube.com/v/J3UDCoQnXjA)

For those of us that remember him....Foster Brooks as an Airline pilot

Tch2fly
01-04-2007, 01:10 PM
http://www.theseriouscomedysite.com/images/george-carlin-life-is-worth-losing.jpg
George Carlins' New Rules For 2007


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Shark Bait
01-04-2007, 03:34 PM
This one that Dave Brown emailed to us is pretty funny.

Subject: Exercise

Getting old ain't for sissies...
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy, I thought I'd pass it on.
The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks, then to 50-lb potato sacks.
Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Hulk
01-05-2007, 10:58 PM
The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name. wait for it. is
www.whorepresents.com (http://www.whorepresents.com/)

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com (http://www.expertsexchange.com/)

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net (http://www.penisland.net/)

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com (http://www.therapistfinder.com/)

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company.
www.powergenitalia.com (http://www.powergenitalia.com/)

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com (http://www.molestationnursery.com/)

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com (http://www.ipanywhere.com/)

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com (http://www.cummingfirst.com/)

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky
website:
www.speedofart.com (http://www.speedofart.com/)

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com (http://www.gotahoe.com/)

Uncle Ben
01-13-2007, 08:13 AM
THE BEST ROAD RAGE!

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless

Uncle Ben
01-15-2007, 07:54 PM
Warning: PG rated! ;)

Beer Goggles (http://www.beerleaguethemovie.com:80/beergogglesflash.htm)

Uncle Ben
01-17-2007, 09:14 AM
: Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus";
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an
actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a
short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
another copy to
me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to
me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of
the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story
is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The < BR>chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more ortant things to think about than
the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geost
Station 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign
off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's carg o bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to
become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live .
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered
the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt
the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid
Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvin istic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh,
shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING
TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads
too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

As*h@le

(Gary)

B*tch!

Rebecca)

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

nakman
01-18-2007, 06:18 PM
Ha ha.. I like that one. If anyone ever gets the "how to take a shower" email for men vs. women please post it up.. it's better than the how to change your oil one.

Also enjoyed the beer goggles! :cheers: :drink: :beer2:

corsair23
01-18-2007, 09:53 PM
Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. :rolleyes:

Uncle Ben
01-18-2007, 10:35 PM
How to take a shower

How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.

4. Turn on hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.

6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.

11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body wash.

12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).

13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.

14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

******************************

How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.

9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.

10. Wash your rear end.

11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.

12. Make a shampoo mohawk.

13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.

14. Pee.

15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.

18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.

Chris
01-19-2007, 09:10 AM
Uncle Ben, nicely edited.

Wondered how someone whould deal with the "WooHoo" line. :D

nakman
01-21-2007, 03:13 PM
Hey those "woohoo" lines are the best part of that email!!

I just scored 1211 on the trampoline...

Crash
01-21-2007, 08:56 PM
My funny of the day is that it took three hours and forty five minutes - 4:00 to 7:45 - to get from Frisco to Denver. At least it was in a new to me 80 so it's all good!!

Chris
01-21-2007, 09:13 PM
My funny of the day is that it took three hours and forty five minutes - 4:00 to 7:45 - to get from Frisco to Denver. At least it was in a new to me 80 so it's all good!!

If you were driving the 62 you could have done it in three hours and forty four minutes Steve.

:thumb:

Crash
01-22-2007, 09:04 AM
If you were driving the 62 you could have done it in three hours and forty four minutes Steve.

:thumb:

I don't know if that is true, Chris. I'm thinking about naming this truck "Ol Rocking Chair". It made the traffic madness almost pleasant!
:thumb:

Red_Chili
01-22-2007, 09:06 AM
I'd worry if it came with a cane, a porch, and a lot of old stories about how things used to be...

Crash
01-22-2007, 10:30 AM
I'd worry if it came with a cane, a porch, and a lot of old stories about how things used to be...

None of those, but it does have factory lockers!

Hulk
01-25-2007, 10:10 AM
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then , just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a " social thinker " .

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my
conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step............
I joined the Republican Party.

nakman
01-25-2007, 10:23 AM
Bwahahahaa!!! :lmao:

Chris
01-25-2007, 10:48 AM
Best I've read ina long time Matt. Thanks!

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Uncle Ben
01-25-2007, 11:26 AM
-WASHINGTON DC DEMOCRAT HUNTING REGULATIONS AND BAG LIMITS GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington DC hunting license or a Federal Income Tax Return may harvest Democrats.
2. Taking of Democrats with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of Democrats with a vehicle is prohibited. If one is accidentally struck, remove the dead Democrat to side of the road and proceed to the nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest Democrats from limousines, Mercedes Benz's, the Metro, or Porsches.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "pork barrel" or "free social programs" for the purpose of trapping Democrats.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt Democrats within 100 feet of government buildings.
7. It shall be unlawful to use decision memos, draft legislation, conference reports, or RFP's to attract Democrats.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt Democrats within 200 feet of Senate or House hearing rooms, libraries, whorehouses, massage parlors, special interest group offices, bars, or strip joints.
9. If an Democrat is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. It will also be a shame.
10. Stuffed or mounted Democrats must have a DC Health Department inspection certificate for rabies and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise him or her self as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female congressional aide, male congressional aide, sheep, legislator, policy maker, bookie, lobbyist, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting Democrats.

corsair23
01-25-2007, 11:39 AM
#32 seems wholly applicable :thumb:

You are a Coloradoan if ...........

1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.

2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.

3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from
the mountains.

4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.

5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have
your own special bike lane.

6. You're under the influence and able to drive 65 miles per hour
through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you
would never go there otherwise.

8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat
Tire Beer.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snow
suit.

10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.

11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and
spring blizzards

12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU
victory.

13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests get sick
and pass out after having only 2 beers

14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but
can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.

15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.

16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of
beer and a bottle of Whiskey and not get a buzz.

17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.

18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.

19. April showers bring May blizzards.

20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.

21. You know what a 'Chinook' is

22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.

23. You know what a "fourteener" is.

24. ..But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.

25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as
a Democrat in Congress does.

26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.

27. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.

28. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.

29. Thunder has set off your car alarm.

30. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.

31. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.

32. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!

33. You know where the real "South Park" is.

34. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.

35. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.'

36. You've 'checked for ticks.'

37. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.

38. You've gone snow skiing in July and.........

39. You've played golf in January and.......

40. They were in the same year!

41. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run
into both oceans

42. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction
from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.

43. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is.

44. You don't mind if the sink is always dripping and the cabinets
are always open because you know you won't have busted/frozen pipes.

45. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your
Colorado friends.

Hulk
01-25-2007, 01:50 PM
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise him or her self as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female congressional aide, male congressional aide, sheep, legislator, policy maker, bookie, lobbyist, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting Democrats.

Huh? Doesn't make any sense. Democratic politicians are idiots. Republican politicians are corrupt.

/I've been voting for the idiots, mostly.

Uncle Ben
01-25-2007, 02:02 PM
An oldie but a great classic....kudos to Jerry Nichols for sending it to me! :thumb:

a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying....

b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
Somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in less time it
takes you to say, "Ouch"

c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age....

d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads....

e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
Motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes....

f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm
of your hand....

g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of....

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes....

i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender....

j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack....

k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters....

l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack....

m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot....

n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit....

o. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup....

p. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect....

q. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle....

r. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining
that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought....

s. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw....

t. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading....

u. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads....

v. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in
Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

w. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part....

x. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short....

y. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit....

z. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets...
--
Good luck, remember ALWAYS use the correct tool for the job at hand...

Hulk
01-26-2007, 01:17 PM
This is truly great. I copied it and sent it to some of my friends. Also learned about Whitworth sockets (http://www.samstagsales.com/whitworth.htm).

nakman
01-26-2007, 02:44 PM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on
backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that
way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his
collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I
am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that
way..
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the
Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his
book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,
then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should
wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

farnhamstj
01-26-2007, 10:19 PM
hmmm.

Tch2fly
01-27-2007, 12:02 PM
>> This is strange!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Think of a letter between
>> A and W.
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>>
>> Repeat it
>> out loud as
>> you scroll down.
>> .
>> .
>> .
>>
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Keep going . . .
>> Don't stop . .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Think of an
>> animal
>> that begins
>> with that letter.
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>>
>> .
>> .
>> Repeat it
>> out loud
>> as you scroll down.
>> .
>> .
>>
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Think of
>> either a man's/woman's
>> name
>> that
>> begins
>> with the
>> last letter
>> in the
>> animal's name
>> .
>> .
>>
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Almost
>> there........
>> .
>> .
>> .
>>
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Now
>> count out
>> the letters
>> in that name
>> on the fingers
>> of the hand
>> you are not
>> using to
>> scroll down.
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Take the
>> hand you
>> counted with
>> and hold it out
>> in front of you
>> at face level
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Look at your
>> palm
>> very closely
>> and
>> notice
>> the
>> lines
>> in
>> your
>> hand
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Do the lines
>> take the
>> form of the
>> first letter
>> in the
>> person's name?
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> . Of course not......
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> Now smack
>> yourself in the head, get a life,
>> and
>> quit playing
>> stupid
>> forum games!

Uncle Ben
01-29-2007, 12:02 PM
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter. It's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila. The whole thing, all at once. And you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands."

"And, third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot. I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, loud scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says.......

"Wherez the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Uncle Ben
01-29-2007, 12:07 PM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying ******? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish ******". Just drop a ****** tablet in his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

Less than a week later, she called the doctor to report on the results. The lady exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me, then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a real nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But, sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Hulk
01-30-2007, 10:58 AM
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said "Preacher,
I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't swear."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No ****?"

Hulk
02-01-2007, 07:02 PM
Tom did like he always did, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice, relaxed life. Running around with a rooster couldn't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're ****tin' all over the bed!"

nakman
02-01-2007, 07:12 PM
:lmao:!!! :cheers: :beer2: :lmao:


All good entries, old woman with the sore tooth wins. :drink:

Nick F.
02-09-2007, 10:49 PM
35%

bet he's not really stuck..:D
http://www.break.com/pictures/feb7gal20.html

Shark Bait
02-10-2007, 09:27 AM
Condoleeza Rice came in to Bush's office and said "Sir, 2 Brazilian soldiers died in Iraq today."

George replied, "Holy Jesus this is terrible. How am I ever going to tell the American people about this one?"

She ponders about his strange over-reaction for a minute, then leaves.

George then turns to his secretary and says, "How much is a brazillion?"

Hulk
02-12-2007, 09:28 AM
From my sister...

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby . . . Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! I Won! I Won!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know . . . I thought you were watching."

The Moral of the Story:

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men are men.

corsair23
02-13-2007, 12:14 PM
Subject: Sometimes we all need a push

A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring outthere!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and two guys helped us? I think you should go out and help him. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

The drunk replies.... "Over here on the swing!"

Red_Chili
02-13-2007, 01:22 PM
I thought I would lift this off another board. The guy has a talent for writing.
Hmmm, on second thought, should this go on the OutbackToilets thread?:lmao:
Non-family-friendly language cleansed...
So my wife and I have been on this deal lately since I went back to a suit job where she does all the grocery shopping since she’s a night shift person that can’t sleep during the day and such. Usually this isn’t much of an issue. She does forget to buy certain things that I want and sometimes buys a brand here or there that I wouldn’t buy (reminds me of the scene in Pulp Fiction, "I don't need you to tell me how f***ing good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys S**T. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it.") but overall it works ok. Well, it did until last night.

Me, I’m one of those regular, right as rain kind of guys. I won’t get into all of the gross details of the BM, but let’s just say you can set a clock by me. The dudes down at NIST set the correction of the Cesium Fountain Atomic Clock based on me. If you’ve been to my house, that’s why there’s a red phone in the master library, right next to the Petersen’s and the US News. Music is piped in through the server in my office and the little 15" plasma does receive Speed Channel, news and Discovery. The way I figure it, this is a part of being a human that is, well, just one of those things you want to make as comfortable and as expedient as possible.

So there I was.

Fan on, got my new issue of Petersen’s, reading and doing my deal and I look over at the TP roll and then it begins…

This is not a regular roll of the soft, downy, pillowy goodness that we all crave to have on our TP holder. You all know what I’m talking about although we really don’t like to speak about these kind of things, but let’s face it, the roll of triple layer, puffy Super Charmin is like a cup of hot chocolate after shoveling the snow off the driveway all morning or an ice cold beer after doing yardwork during a long hot summer day. It’s just the way we like things to be. No, this TP LOOKED dangerous but searching the house for the roll of nirvana was not to be, the MIL is visiting and even a walking wipe to go searching wouldn’t cut it as cruising the house “au natural” would make old women faint and little kids cry. Nope, the TP of DOOM was the only option.

Cautiously and with much trepidation, I decided that my only option was to use the papyrus appearing material. Now, mind you, I’m in a very vulnerable position here and between the need to clean and the fear running through my soul, the ONLY option was not looking like it was a good one. So, I reel off a hunk and pull. Damn, not tearing off the roll. Luckily for me I’m wearing my trusty 50 pocket utility jeans and find my Boker Damascus, which can cut through carbon fiber layup sheet like butter, and cut a hunk of this stuff off the roll. After barely making the cut, the fear is now at an all time high. Homeland Security is adjusting the Terror Alert to red, NORAD is scrambling fighters and calling B52’s out of mothballs and W has his hand on the red button. I’m going in.

The first pass reminded me of the time I was in an accident and ended up with road rash that had to be scrubbed clean. Please pass the Demerol! Tears rolling from my eyes and gritted teeth, the job MUST be completed. What happened next is barely describable, but since I started reliving this nightmare I shall continue to cleanse my being of this scar on my psyche.

Pass number two can only be described in graphic detail. Please don’t let children or the faint of heart read this part or they will be scarred for life causing exorbitant therapy bills and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships! I went back in for another piece of what can only be described now as 60 grit carbide paper and shuddered as I aimed for the nether regions. I remember screaming like a wounded caribou that just got its testes caught on a barbed wire fence hidden in the snow and seeing what I now believe was the devil itself entering my inner sanctum, as it were, and wreaking havoc on both vital internal and external organs. All of this happened milliseconds before passing out from the intense pain. My next recollection of the event was waking up with a terrible headache, a longing for Tuck’s pads and a strong shot of tequila. Calgon, take me away.

My friends, if you care for your loved ones and for the sake of humanity, DO NOT BUY THE SAFEWAY BASIC RED BRAND OF TP. In the words of Kramer, it will mess you up.

Sore assingly,
Mike

Hulk
02-14-2007, 12:56 PM
An oldie that always makes me laugh:


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

Uncle Ben
02-15-2007, 05:56 PM
Looks like this has come around again so I figured what the hey....

Guys' Rules-------------------
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh .

Red_Chili
02-16-2007, 11:02 AM
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise', so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."










Think about it...

Red_Chili
02-16-2007, 11:04 AM
Don't tell my wife, though. For obvious reasons.

Red_Chili
02-16-2007, 11:18 AM
Woman walks into the Docs office and says, "No matter where I touch my body it makes me scream in pain".

She touches her ankle, loud scream. She touches herself on the ear and screams even louder. She gently touches her belly and screams again!

The doc looks her over and looks at her brown hair. "You're not a true brunette are you?"

"No" she replies, "how did you know?"

"There is nothing wrong with your body, your index finger is broken!"

Shark Bait
02-16-2007, 09:15 PM
Airline Cabin Announcements I

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Uncle Ben
02-17-2007, 12:31 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey named Bubba. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.



While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.



Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.



The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "Bubba still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Uncle Ben
02-19-2007, 04:51 PM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethis****....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Uncle Ben
02-19-2007, 05:07 PM
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and ays: "A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing To look at either.



10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't Find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and Says "Dam!"



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in The craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't Have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing In the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about An hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open Foyer."



18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes To a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of Himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she Also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate

Very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he Suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so Bad)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to His friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them Laugh. No pun in ten did.

Red_Chili
02-20-2007, 11:26 AM
You are hereby sentenced to drive a Ford for the rest of your miserable existence....:lol:

corsair23
02-20-2007, 12:59 PM
Subject: FW: The Police Applicants

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!

It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." :lmao:

Uncle Ben
02-20-2007, 09:53 PM
Live Your Life Backwards



I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that

out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better
every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work
40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink
alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for
High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you
have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your
last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions;
central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,
and then,
you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Uncle Ben
03-01-2007, 12:05 PM
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's
marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes
and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all
these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent
money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.

"The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands
Ralph, please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go back to get her."

Uncle Ben
03-02-2007, 04:35 PM
Taser

Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...

(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl

Hulk
03-02-2007, 05:42 PM
They do some of that taser stuff in the Jack Ass 2 movie, which I watched the other night. Doesn't look like fun to me.

corsair23
03-02-2007, 06:20 PM
Oh my word I haven't laughed so hard in quite awhile :) :lmao:

Thanks UB for the perfect end to my Friday work day :cheers:

Uncle Ben
03-04-2007, 08:47 AM
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,
he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite
two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from
his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch
swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"****" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center

Hulk
03-04-2007, 11:18 AM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper
is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper
would not hear anything that he might have to testify
about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront
the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he
brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10
million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper
where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I
don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't
know what you're talking
about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is
in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Uncle Ben
03-05-2007, 09:28 AM
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how was your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN, no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up
from my work and sheepishly said,"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Red_Chili
03-06-2007, 07:10 AM
MATT (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?"


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so
much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She
tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration,
her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for
her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please
don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."


UNCLE BEN (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"


PERRY (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but this
wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday
sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are
but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Uncle Ben
03-15-2007, 06:18 PM
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Cathy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Cathy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour but, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Cathy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, John

EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly on June 27 from a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Cathy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Uncle Ben
03-27-2007, 11:38 AM
Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q &A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbir th?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. Your not as nice as you used to be and you used to be awful.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4 Cutting y our hair to make it grow.
3. Ordering out is better than figuring out the next meal.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women

Red_Chili
03-27-2007, 12:32 PM
UB, I usually refrain from joining the herds that send jokes via email.

Until you post these....

Red_Chili
03-28-2007, 07:07 AM
There is a virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means. DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Red_Chili
04-02-2007, 10:46 AM
A friend sent me this, with the disclaimer that he didn't necessarily ascribe to all of them... didn't tell me which ones he didn't though... hmmm...
______________________________________________________________
Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women...

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

Uncle Ben
04-09-2007, 11:49 AM
Women's Butt size study:

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel About their butts. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

farnhamstj
04-10-2007, 11:52 AM
The husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f__kin' funeral director
would be my first guess."

Red_Chili
04-11-2007, 07:45 AM
4367

farnhamstj
04-11-2007, 10:56 PM
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ! "So rry I took so long," I said, as we drove
away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

Uncle Ben
04-13-2007, 04:10 PM
A man walked into the produce section of this local supermarket and
asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about
the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some a-hole
wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly
added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you
from, son?"

"Wisconsin, sir" the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Wisconsin?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and football
players!"

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Wisconsin."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for

Red_Chili
04-19-2007, 09:45 AM
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.


2. Place the boots on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.


3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.


4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning And messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood."

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Tch2fly
05-07-2007, 06:55 AM
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a
real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands
to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly
tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather
explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done
with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for
his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his
copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The
officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys
face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an
Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record
he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent
him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his
signature and mine, same number at the top.."

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
AH, underlined."

Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir"

Attorney: Aggressive and hostile"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do !"

Uncle Ben
05-07-2007, 09:03 AM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's
an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

"If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom....... Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

nakman
05-07-2007, 08:57 PM
He he.. http://www.glumbert.com/media/irack

Uncle Ben
05-11-2007, 07:35 AM
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day

so he would be able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood,

it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood,

it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Hulk
05-11-2007, 11:20 AM
He he.. http://www.glumbert.com/media/irack

Dude, that was way funny. "Mission Accomplished!" Ha.

nakman
05-11-2007, 11:30 AM
I was waiting for you to find this.. humor right up our alley! "NO! there is no exit strategy!"

Uncle Ben
05-15-2007, 08:28 AM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope,propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
"Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom
and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos,tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report
card that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

Red_Chili
05-15-2007, 01:40 PM
I heard the same joke a while ago, only with a daughter with the appropriate reversed roles. All I could imagine was seeing Romer reading such a letter, and the silence of a heart stopped mid-beat.


:lmao:

Hulk
05-15-2007, 02:10 PM
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant.

ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Shark Bait
05-16-2007, 10:23 PM
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

Shark Bait
05-16-2007, 10:46 PM
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy S#!t! A talking chicken!".

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Uncle Ben
05-28-2007, 10:41 PM
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf -
always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I
came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person
is always right, and the other is the husband.

DaveInDenver
05-30-2007, 10:27 AM
* He stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on him.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Hollywood, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

* I'm tired of sit-ups... The waist is a terrible thing to mind!

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully covered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France; the result: Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done

Uncle Ben
05-31-2007, 09:04 AM
:lmao:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/49531/You-Know-You-Are-A-Redneck-When-

Uncle Ben
06-01-2007, 11:11 AM
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a
Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sat down on the
other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asked, "Are
you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?", she asked.

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?", she wondered.

He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

nakman
06-04-2007, 03:14 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599, depending on speaker size.




This is considered to be a major breakthrough for male-female relationships because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Uncle Ben
06-04-2007, 03:35 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599, depending on speaker size.




This is considered to be a major breakthrough for male-female relationships because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Rut Ro....Our Joke forum is getting too big for the elders to remember what has been posted! ;) Apple Boobs (http://www.risingsun4x4club.org/forum2/showpost.php?p=22247&postcount=57)

Chris
06-04-2007, 03:37 PM
This is considered to be a major breakthrough for male-female relationships because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

:lmao:Very good! :lmao:

Hulk
06-07-2007, 12:57 PM
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas and he sees a sign in front of a restaurant.......

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL!
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

Shark Bait
06-07-2007, 02:05 PM
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

nakman
06-07-2007, 03:22 PM
Rut Ro....Our Joke forum is getting too big for the elders to remember what has been posted! ;) Apple Boobs (http://www.risingsun4x4club.org/forum2/showpost.php?p=22247&postcount=57)

Oh man, repost! Well I don't see you complaining when someone reposts over on the chearleader thread.. also I just looked and this thread is exactly one year old today! Man what a quick year.. :rolleyes:

:beer:

Uncle Ben
06-07-2007, 03:32 PM
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Hulk
06-07-2007, 05:48 PM
BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL .

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Nick F.
06-09-2007, 09:30 PM
Damn man, let off the gas.

http://www.break.com/index/new-jeep-isnt-trail-rated.html

Hulk
06-11-2007, 01:27 PM
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux (from Breaux Bridge), to investigate. Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis **** fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Jeepers, de Hummer owners, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat **** fight in person. I knowed dem Jeepers was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Hummer owners was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "and how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

Hulk
06-13-2007, 08:05 AM
Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @#$!&*%!

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first pitch."

DaveInDenver
06-14-2007, 11:51 AM
The farmer is riding to town with the wife, when the horse misbehaves.
The farmer says "That's one."
A few minutes go by and the horse misbehaves again.
The farmer says "That's two."
A few minutes go by and the horse misbehaves once again.
The farmer says "That's Three!"
With this he takes out a shotgun, kills the horse.

The wife turns to him and says "Why would you do such a thing?"
The farmer says "That's one!"

corsair23
06-15-2007, 12:00 AM
Hope this works and hope it is ok to post :o

Got this in an email from my sister :hill:


http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa125/Misfit_ElJefe/Crack-Car.jpg

I'm driving along on the highway at 65 miles an hour (the speed limit), minding my own business, when outta nowhere there's this BIG crack in my windshield!!


I swerved right,


and then left,



and it was still right there!!





http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa125/Misfit_ElJefe/Crack-Finger.jpg









http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa125/Misfit_ElJefe/Crack-1.jpg



http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa125/Misfit_ElJefe/Crack-2.jpg


There just ain't NO words for this!


http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa125/Misfit_ElJefe/Crack-OMG.jpg

Shark Bait
06-15-2007, 12:20 AM
Just say NO! :eek:

nakman
06-20-2007, 10:09 PM
This is too damn funny.. worth the minute. ;)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8706033126307253200&q=Landcruiser&total=1605&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=5

Nick F.
06-20-2007, 10:42 PM
This is awsome if you havent seen it. Robot chicken star wars special:thumb:

http://www.superdeluxe.com/sd/contentDetail.do?id=D81F2344BF5AC7BBFC30C8F3869BC6466EB49C7FC9D9D87A

Hulk
06-20-2007, 11:33 PM
This is awsome if you havent seen it. Robot chicken star wars special:thumb:

They moved it. Go here:
http://www.adultswim.com/shows/robotchicken/stuff/rcsw/

It is awesome! Thanks for the link.

DaveInDenver
06-26-2007, 02:56 PM
This was posted over at Yotatech.

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a
dump at work.

CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk
can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and
is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at
work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If
you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other
bathroom attendees.

Hulk
06-28-2007, 07:52 PM
This morning, on the way to the beach, I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.

Clearly, I was not really paying attention to my driving.

Anyway, the guy who was driving got out...and......he was a dwarf!!

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

Uncle Ben
06-30-2007, 07:01 PM
Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just an Asian lady in front of me who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change??
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people , too!"

Nick F.
07-01-2007, 10:10 PM
Bet this guy had to clean his shorts out with a rake:D

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2007/6/27jun03-boat-accident.jpg

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2007/6/27jun04-boat-accident2.jpg

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2007/6/27jun05-boat-accident3.jpg

Nick F.
07-01-2007, 10:17 PM
This ones for treeroot...:thumb:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=8d0_1183090807

Hulk
07-13-2007, 12:16 PM
A cowboy from Texas, hauling his horse in a trailer to a rodeo, gets
pulled over by an Oklahoma DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper
started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began
to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was
doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently
buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's
what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the
ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to
fool them flies though".

Uncle Ben
07-30-2007, 10:48 AM
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report
her telephone often failed to ring and that on the few occasions that
it did ring, her dog always moaned right beforehand. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the home and climbed a
telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's
house. The phone didn't ring right away but after a few minutes the dog
howled and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole
the telephone repairman discovered:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a
steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
number was dialed.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start howling and moaning
and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit thus causing the phone
to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Hulk
08-07-2007, 03:16 PM
A Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Murphy, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began
to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to
do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear
from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and
we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED
his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day testifying to each other."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."

corsair23
08-10-2007, 10:32 AM
As Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria". In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Liquor = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink liquor and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

Tch2fly
08-15-2007, 09:03 AM
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school
essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
Had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
Leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
As if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Uncle Ben
08-22-2007, 06:49 PM
A cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm
and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect
your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the
United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am
allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize
bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The
Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools,
ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your
card!"

Uncle Ben
08-23-2007, 06:43 PM
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly
glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently taps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car,
at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm
22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11
minutes.

Shark Bait
08-24-2007, 07:20 PM
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

Uncle Ben
08-28-2007, 07:24 AM
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that
many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Government.

However, what you may not have noticed is that during the month of March, 1948--exactly nine months AFTER that historic date--George W.
Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleeza Rice and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
This piece of information may help to clear up a lot of things.

Uncle Ben
09-15-2007, 09:21 PM
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

Uncle Ben
09-24-2007, 08:10 PM
Fifty Nine and Pregnant

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new

doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told

her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told

him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was

and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old,

she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her

she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking

up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Uncle Ben
10-01-2007, 11:13 AM
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can, and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Nice boobs!"

Uncle Ben
10-02-2007, 08:07 AM
After Mr. & Mrs. Tatge retired, Mrs. Tatge insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.



Unfortunately, Mr. Tatge was like most men--he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out.



Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Tatge was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Tatge received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.



Dear Mrs.Tatge,



Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a Commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Tatge are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.





2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.





3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.





4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it Right away'.





5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.





6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.





7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.





8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'





9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.



10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.





11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.





12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonnalook' by using different sizes of funnels.





13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled

'PICK ME! PICK ME!'





14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'





And last, but not least...





15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here'.



Regards, Wal-Mart

Shark Bait
10-03-2007, 11:23 AM
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they have "covertly" funded a project with the the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years whereby the auto makers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks & SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances of the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of 50 states, the recorded last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, " OH S==T!"

Only the states of Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana & Alabama were different where 89.3% of the final words were "HOLD MY BEER, I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHIN'"!!!

Uncle Ben
10-14-2007, 09:58 PM
OLD PEOPLE

Don't laugh we all must get old one day! But, this is funny though. Old
people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and
said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth ou t, still nothing. We even
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Uncle Ben
10-15-2007, 02:08 PM
FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."


The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde
is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome With grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me; ... I know 'em all."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy ... it's W."

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he Crossed the Delaware ."

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Hulk
10-23-2007, 11:14 PM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?" Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing
what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give
him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

Uncle Ben
10-24-2007, 09:08 AM
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: ' I'm not real sure, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

Happy Halloween

Uncle Ben
10-24-2007, 10:48 AM
HEALTH ALERT -- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS

There is a dangerous virus being disseminated electronically, verbally (air-borne), and mechanically.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

nakman
10-24-2007, 11:23 AM
LOL at the Halloween story.. :lmao:

Good one, :zilla:!

Uncle Ben
10-30-2007, 11:39 AM
Top this....

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."


A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."


A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."


The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, make her President, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week."

corsair23
10-31-2007, 09:56 AM
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

Admit it - this one brought a smile to your face :D

Uncle Ben
11-09-2007, 10:30 AM
.......:lmao:

Red_Chili
11-09-2007, 11:24 AM
Looks a little like Newt Gingrich... hmmm... :lmao:

nakman
11-09-2007, 11:33 AM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Melba, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Melba said.

The next day, Melba ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Melba."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

corsair23
11-12-2007, 01:43 PM
Hopefully this isn't a repeat...

Accident in Texas, turn on your volume

ACCIDENT IN TEXAS:

It's a phone call from a man in Texas who has just witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women.

It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.

www.chumfm.com/morningshow/bits/march24.swf (http://www.chumfm.com/morningshow/bits/march24.swf)

Hulk
11-14-2007, 09:46 AM
Get out of the car NOW!!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, " I have a gun, and I know how to use it ! Get out of the car!!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why, ... ... it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
NO charges were filed.

Moral of the story ??
If you're going to have a "Senior Moment", make it memorable.

Uncle Ben
11-15-2007, 12:32 AM
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL..

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-xxxxx ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Uncle Ben
11-22-2007, 11:07 PM
Why Men Started Wearing Earrings


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he friend replies sheepishly.
His man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"


"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)

Hulk
11-27-2007, 09:47 PM
A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the $%@ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Hulk
11-27-2007, 10:07 PM
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

*He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
* At 70 off came the pants.
* At 75 it was! her bra ....and
* At 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before... he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobbed, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

corsair23
11-29-2007, 11:15 AM
Got this in my email and found it funny, and ironic...

Pee Test:

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see fit. In order to get that paycheck... I am required to pass a random urine test, which I have no problem with. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on their ass. Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Tch2fly
11-29-2007, 11:52 AM
Cake from Wal Mart
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: "Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?"

Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Walmart Employee: "Whachu want on da cake?"

Customer: " 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you.' ”

Walmart Employee: "Got it. Thanks."

corsair23
11-29-2007, 03:23 PM
The Washcloth

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes,
so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take
a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time
I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs,
threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the
sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was
at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket,
donned some clothes, hop ped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. Afterthe
appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the
day was normal ... home shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get
another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one thatwas
here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

corsair23
12-04-2007, 03:17 PM
The next time you parents hear your children saying something like "Hurry, come see the kittens", proceed with caution :)


disclaimer: not my pic, not my children :hill:
.

Hulk
12-04-2007, 10:02 PM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

corsair23
12-05-2007, 02:58 PM
THE DECISION

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

Tch2fly
12-05-2007, 03:15 PM
As an Alberta trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Alberta, and I'm driving the SAND TRUCK!"

nakman
12-06-2007, 11:05 AM
Some of these are really great... enjoy!

nakman
12-06-2007, 11:08 AM
more

nakman
12-06-2007, 11:11 AM
Ok, last bunch.. :D

corsair23
12-06-2007, 03:59 PM
We need a Calvin & Hobbes thread with daily updates :thumb:

Must be the kid in me but I love Calvin & Hobbes.

Tim, you got the frozen booger one? :hill:

That is my favorite I think.

Rogue Leader
12-06-2007, 07:43 PM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=y05EmK66Gsk

have fun. it's long but worth it:beer:

Uncle Ben
12-07-2007, 09:35 AM
The top 10 Country & Western Titles of all time:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I
Woke ! Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don 't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared
She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still
Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.


3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My
Ass Out All Day Long.

Uncle Ben
12-07-2007, 04:52 PM
:rolleyes:

Convert
12-07-2007, 06:39 PM
:rolleyes:
That's Funny:thumb:

Uncle Ben
12-13-2007, 04:34 PM
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

Uncle Ben
12-14-2007, 08:07 AM
ohhhhh....:banghead:

Uncle Ben
12-17-2007, 08:43 AM
Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, handsoap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Uncle Ben
01-03-2008, 06:01 PM
:lmao: :hill:

nakman
01-04-2008, 10:20 AM
:rolleyes:

Red_Chili
01-04-2008, 10:32 AM
I notice Fred Thompson is missing.

Oh. By design?






:lmao:

corsair23
01-07-2008, 11:24 AM
Subject: Priceless

The doctor said, 'Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press onyour spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first timein 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and start a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Bill laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Bill thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Bill and said, 'Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Bill was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!'

Bill tried on theshirt and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Bill thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Bill laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18years old.'

The salesman shook his head, frowning, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

corsair23
01-10-2008, 11:30 AM
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

.

Uncle Ben
01-10-2008, 01:08 PM
:lmao:

Tch2fly
01-10-2008, 01:17 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v108/livnletdie/preph.jpg

Uncle Ben
01-14-2008, 10:56 AM
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.



Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
















Shut up. You know it's funny.

Uncle Ben
01-15-2008, 08:57 AM
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

corsair23
01-15-2008, 09:56 PM
:hill:

.

corsair23
01-16-2008, 02:07 PM
Do you know any of these people?

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute , and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time , a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said , "Lady , you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said , "NO , it's not." Four is larger than two

We haven't used Sears repair since


IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25 , so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money."

I said , "Yes I know , but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's


IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore

From Kingman , KS .


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked , "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied , "If it was without my knowledge , how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask"

Happened in Birmingham, AL


IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled , she responded , "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments


IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life , couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office , no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car , we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.

As I watched from the passenger side , I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey, " I announced to the technician , "its open!" His reply , "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi


STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and REPRODUCE and our enemies know it :hill:

nuclearlemon
01-16-2008, 03:56 PM
real life...this actually happens a lot.

customer calls and wants parts for his volvo. i tell him i need the last seven digits of his vin. he says he only has six. i tell him fine, i can figure it out from there. he says "xn377977".

Hulk
01-17-2008, 01:38 AM
The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment , She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side; but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips...

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

treerootCO
01-17-2008, 01:52 PM
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/01/16/ap/strange/main3721902.shtml

Shark Bait
01-17-2008, 02:03 PM
I thought if you got something in the mail you didn't order you could keep it? :eek:

Uncle Ben
01-17-2008, 02:48 PM
A winter statistic



98% OF AMERICANS SAY







" OH SH*T"



BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.







THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM KENTUCKY AND THEY SAY,



"HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."

Red_Chili
01-18-2008, 06:41 AM
Suh, Ah grew up in Bourbon County... Kentucky. An' Ah resembles that remark...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sign in a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit please back in.'

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

**************************

At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

**************************

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment'

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

At the Electric Company

'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.'

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

'Best place in town to take a leak"

Red_Chili
01-18-2008, 07:52 AM
Searching for dog trainers in obedience and agility, I came across this one in Broomfield:

Sit Happens Dog Training
7700 West 101st Avenue, Broomfield, CO 80021 :lmao:

Hulk
01-18-2008, 08:08 AM
My favorite Chinese place in Columbia, MO:

Wok In, Carry Out

For reals.

corsair23
01-21-2008, 01:31 PM
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

corsair23
01-21-2008, 01:36 PM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

nakman
01-21-2008, 01:53 PM
Rejoke!! :banned: :D



still funny, though.

corsair23
01-21-2008, 02:42 PM
Rejoke!! :banned: :D

I should probably do a quick keyword search next time huh :hill: - Just did on another one I was going to post and saw that Eric already posted it back in Dec '06 :thumb:

Red_Chili
01-21-2008, 07:15 PM
Hey, I saw it for the first time today, so... my wife (who is blonde) and my younger son (who is also blonde) got quite a kick out of it.

corsair23
01-25-2008, 12:23 PM
As a response to the recent British Airways Boeing 777 coming up "short" on landing, the FAA is instituting a program to help pilots avoid duplicating the act...

.

corsair23
01-28-2008, 02:25 PM
Searched but didn't find it so here you go :thumb:


Mom Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad?'

'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom

corsair23
01-28-2008, 05:01 PM
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

corsair23
01-29-2008, 11:45 AM
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall !


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal and girls with big tits."

Uncle Ben
01-29-2008, 03:39 PM
Lays Potato Chips (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDaQSJd641k)

Uncle Ben
01-29-2008, 09:44 PM
Oldie but a goody! I thought we had it but nothing on a search...
NOTE: Matt posted the original copyrighted piece below...


Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's
no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City Park ...

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Great BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman
is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report

corsair23
01-30-2008, 12:26 AM
:lol:

OMG that is a good one...Hard to read the last few reports though thru the tears streaming down my face...After the "I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics." line I had a hard time focusing on the words I was laughing so hard :thumb: