PDA

View Full Version : Funny Bike Ad


wesintl
03-14-2012, 12:53 PM
http://neworleans.craigslist.org/bik/2896467643.html

Hipster-ass Hipster Bike for Hipsters - $180 (Bywater)
Date: 2012-03-11, 12:47PM CDT
Reply to: cqcj2-2896467643@sale.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
I am selling my Vista Carrera 7 road bike. Perfect for the aspiring culture creator. I have recently become a Successful Entrepreneur and I no longer have the need for such trifling possessions. I drive a gigantic cargo van that literally pisses gas onto the road to mark its territory.

Do you want to be noticed? Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Sleeve tattoo didn't do the trick? Dubstep bounce remix didn't go viral? Look no further than this bike. Don't even look past it in the pictures posted below. Import it into Photoshop and delete the background. I know you know how to do it, because you're a graphic designer.

Orange body. Green accents. Pink handlebar wrap. Some silver. Black. Dirt. Are there even any more colors? There are awesome reflective stickers on the bike, too, which makes darting out in front of automobiles on dark evenings and asserting one's absolute and total right of way even more self-righteously awesome. Dear motorist: Did you not see the stickers. Do you think I have time to just put stickers on things. I'm trying to save the world from people like you.

Just think of all the great places you could see and be seen on this bike:

1. An Obama rally
2. A Ron Paul rally
3. Rally's
4. Miscellaneous

The possibilities are endless.

This bike will get you laid. If you ride this bike around Audobon Park at 1 in the morning without pants on, dudes will literally knock you off of your bike to try to blow you.

This bike is a freewheel fixed gear, because you're a ****ing monster and you have one speed, and that speed is +/- 15mph.

A seat comes with the bike, but is not pictured. If you want, you can ride the bike without the seat to simulate the stick you have up your ass about which Pavement album is best, which political cause that matters to you most intermittently, or about whatever it is that you "do."

SAFETY FEATURES

This bike is Japanese and comes with four distinct safety features:

Safety Feature #1: front brakes only. Because you're not about to conform to anyone's preconceived notions of how a bike should stop.

Safety Feature #2: Quick release back wheel. I took this bike to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine to get a tune up once, and he refused to work on it because of this Safety Feature. He said it was a "Frankenstein bike." I asked him if he didn't agree that Frankenstein was a literary masterpiece. I thought that after losing that argument he might be a gentleman and agree to tune up the bike for free, but he remained all pissy and still refused to work on it, even for money.

The next time I went in to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine was to get air. I was all, hey MTBG, can I get some air? He was all yes. It was clear that we both believed that air is a free resource that should not be commodified. Common ground. He pointed me toward his air machine. Everything seemed cool. When I realized that the nozzle didn't fit my bike's tires, I was all, hey MTBG, how does this nozzle go on? He looked at me, turned around, took two steps toward the back of the room, and let out a loud SIGH. I couldn't blame him. I work with people too, and sometimes they ask me questions because they don't know things and I am the paid expert on the exact things they don't know and I am standing right next to them, and I have to humiliate them in front of others before I answer them, too. It's all just part of the job.

Safety Feature #3: Helmet. That's my helmet. You can ride in a painter's cap and pretend to be smart at the same time, but you're not fooling anyone.

Safety Feature #4: Welding fix at seat joint. When this joint came loose, the bike was deemed horribly unsafe. When I welded it back together, it became safe again, therefore: safety feature. It's supersturdy now; I welded it to **** and back. I painted the welding joint green because I was feeling creative and I don't have to explain my art to anyone.

Safety Feature #5: Apparently this bike has really nice rims. I am listing this under Safety Features because I feel that less-nice rims would probably make the bike marginally less safe.

Safety Feature $6: Earthquake proof.

$180 or best offer. Cash is fine. Your parents can PayPal me directly. Or see below:

I'm totally into creative trades (this part is actually serious). Musical instruments (serious - esp synths and pedals); original art (serious); US Currency (for srsly); leisure suits (I'm 6'1'', 180, with long arms and broad shoulders. Let's stick with dark colors - I'm kind of pale and I don't like to look washed out); real estate/underwater mortgages (4realz dogg); antique firearms (I promise I won't trade you the bike and then shoot you with what was previously your firearm in order to steal my bike back and sell it again, although wouldn't that be ironic, or would it, I don't know, we use the word incorrectly so often that I'm not sure it matters); casual sex. Show me what you got.

*[EDIT: dig on this? The author has a rap band called Sex Party: facebook.com/sexpartymusic, @FFFFFF_SexParty]*

MountainGoat
03-14-2012, 01:05 PM
Yeah dude. That ride has mad safety features. :lmao:

DaveInDenver
03-14-2012, 01:11 PM
How can he say it's earthquake proof? I need to see test reports or maybe a well documented analysis. I imagine he could maybe say hurricane and flood proof.

simps80
03-14-2012, 01:22 PM
"The next time I went in to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine was to get air. I was all, hey MTBG, can I get some air? He was all yes. It was clear that we both believed that air is a free resource that should not be commodified. Common ground. He pointed me toward his air machine. Everything seemed cool. When I realized that the nozzle didn't fit my bike's tires, I was all, hey MTBG, how does this nozzle go on? He looked at me, turned around, took two steps toward the back of the room, and let out a loud SIGH. I couldn't blame him. I work with people too, and sometimes they ask me questions because they don't know things and I am the paid expert on the exact things they don't know and I am standing right next to them, and I have to humiliate them in front of others before I answer them, too. It's all just part of the job"


sooo universally applicable

subzali
03-14-2012, 01:50 PM
"Hipster-a$$ hipster bike for hipsters"

So awesome :lmao:

PabloCruise
03-14-2012, 03:22 PM
Great find!

MDH33
03-14-2012, 03:44 PM
Edit: Wes fixed it.

wesintl
03-14-2012, 03:44 PM
http://www.mikethebikeguy.com/

PabloCruise
03-14-2012, 05:21 PM
Glad you grabbed the pics, the posting is already down.

PabloCruise
03-14-2012, 05:25 PM
http://www.mikethebikeguy.com/

Mike looks all cool carrying the mannequin and the traveler:

http://www.boonfellow.com/mikethebikeguy/whiskeyman_sm.jpg

subzali
03-14-2012, 06:23 PM
wait - why are you looking at bikes for sale in New Orleans? Not enough around here for ya? :rolleyes: :D

Hulk
03-16-2012, 01:05 AM
Great ad. That should be nominated for a "Best Of."

AxleIke
03-16-2012, 10:37 AM
Nice. That is a great ad.

I need to put a bumper on my truck and paint "fixie killer" on it. LOL. Boulder is a target rich environment.

wesintl
06-10-2012, 06:20 PM
Failed hipster - fixie must go - $1100 (SLO)
Date: 2012-06-01, 9:43AM PDT
Reply to: kd8x2-3050996290@sale.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I tried so hard. I dated a girl from Portland. I criticized cheese. I applied the term artisanal to every inanimate object that went in or on my body. I burned and singed my forearms just to make it look like I was going to culinary school. I grew Carol Brady hair. I got itchy from the finest flannel and I cut off circulation from the waist down with jeans that made my ass look like an elevator button.

. . .And I rode a fixie.

No more. It's all gotta go. The hair, the macrame, the texting overages, the Netflix and Hulu Plus. The record collection (have you ever tried to box up and move an effin stack of LPs?!) . . .and the bike. Pictured below is the bike. It's beautiful. It's got red rims. Red chain. Red tires. Red handlebars shaped like devil horns -- because it's the devil.

The guys at the hipster store don't tell you fixes don't stop. So I will. Fixies don't stop. Stop sign? Fixie don't care. Car coming turning in front of you at a three-way stop? Fixie laugh. Want Chipotle? Nope. Fixie want protein powder/beet/purple carrot/bee pollen juice and won't stop till he gets it. Fixie has a mind of his own.

Yesterday, Fixie got pulled over twice by SLO PD in three hours. In six months time, Fixie collected more tickets than a scalper for a Radiohead show at Hollywood Bowl.

I'm selling this badboy and tipping the dregs of my last PBR tall boy in his memory.

The (Devil) Fixie:
Cinelli Gazzetta Frame (2011)
Crane Creek and Origin 8 components

$1,100 ($1,600 new)