An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the problems of smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who on earth would be giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
"Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here." -- Capt. John Parker