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  #621  
Old 04-18-2010, 11:52 PM
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Weight Loss Program

I called a company and ordered their 5-day, 10-lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I take off after her. A few blocks later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weigh myself and am delighted to find I have lost 10 lbs. as promised.

So I call the company and order their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with me gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

I decide to go for broke and call the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I reply. "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door. When I open it, I finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

I lost 63 pounds that week.
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  #622  
Old 04-24-2010, 10:16 AM
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
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  #623  
Old 04-24-2010, 10:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Romer View Post
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Good one Romer!
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  #624  
Old 04-24-2010, 12:18 PM
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GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
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  #625  
Old 06-17-2010, 12:54 AM
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Sad day.
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  #626  
Old 07-06-2010, 01:15 PM
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TRUTHS FOR MATURE HUMANS
  1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
  3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
  4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
  5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
  7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
  10. Bad decisions make good stories.
  11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
  12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
  13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
  15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Da** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
  20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
  22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
  24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
  26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
  29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
  31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet anything that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
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  #627  
Old 07-23-2010, 03:29 PM
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The Empire Strikes Bank: Armed robber dressed as Darth Vader demands cash in daring raid

Not that robbing a bank is humorous, but the comments are witty.
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  #628  
Old 08-01-2010, 03:04 PM
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I'm not one to patronize a Hooters but this has got to be bad for business.

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  #629  
Old 08-02-2010, 10:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveInDenver View Post
TRUTHS FOR MATURE HUMANS

....snip.....

2. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

....snip....
man how true is that...but now if they could somehow provide instructions on where my car keys are in step 1 through 5, now THAT would be an awesome function....
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  #630  
Old 08-03-2010, 12:54 PM
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Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at church social last night by 1 point. I not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji .
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