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  #691  
Old 01-31-2013, 10:17 AM
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DaveInDenver DaveInDenver is offline
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A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY.

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."
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  #692  
Old 01-31-2013, 02:25 PM
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Hulk Hulk is offline
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An avid sportsman, hunter and 4x4 enthusiast, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, four wheeling and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat and that old Land Cruiser."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn’t."
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  #693  
Old 02-06-2013, 08:26 AM
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DaveInDenver DaveInDenver is offline
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One liners!
  • Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
  • The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
  • I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
  • I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
  • I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
  • The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
  • My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
  • A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
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"They say the test of literary power is whether a man can write an inscription. I say, 'Can he name a kitten?'" -- Samuel Butler
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  #694  
Old 05-18-2013, 06:33 AM
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DaveInDenver DaveInDenver is offline
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'Hello?'

'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'


'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'


After a brief pause, Daddy says,

But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'


'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause..............

Even Longer Pause...............

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number.
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"They say the test of literary power is whether a man can write an inscription. I say, 'Can he name a kitten?'" -- Samuel Butler
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  #695  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:25 AM
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Uncle Ben Uncle Ben is offline
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Default Rookie salesman....

A young guy from South Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today son?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue working here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in South Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive Department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"
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  #696  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:57 AM
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  #697  
Old 08-19-2013, 09:35 PM
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Talking Destitute...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
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I need an FJ40....
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Cruisers are superior
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  #698  
Old 08-23-2013, 05:45 AM
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DaveInDenver DaveInDenver is offline
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of
the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had
long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her
more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder
if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his
mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure
you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that
you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do
not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…

Love,
Mom
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"They say the test of literary power is whether a man can write an inscription. I say, 'Can he name a kitten?'" -- Samuel Butler
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  #699  
Old 10-31-2013, 09:39 AM
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lmao.

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  #700  
Old 11-27-2013, 07:04 PM
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Snowrun Snowrun is offline
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...someone told me it was behind the drivers side mirror. I couldn't take my eyes off the 25 long enough to see it.
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