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  #71  
Old 01-17-2007, 09:14 AM
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Talking Men are from Mars....Women are from ??????

: Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus";
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an
actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a
short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
another copy to
me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to
me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of
the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story
is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The < BR>chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more ortant things to think about than
the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geost
Station 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign
off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's carg o bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to
become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live .
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered
the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt
the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid
Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvin istic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh,
shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING
TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads
too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

As*h@le

(Gary)

B*tch!

Rebecca)

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.
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  #72  
Old 01-18-2007, 06:18 PM
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Ha ha.. I like that one. If anyone ever gets the "how to take a shower" email for men vs. women please post it up.. it's better than the how to change your oil one.

Also enjoyed the beer goggles!
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  #73  
Old 01-18-2007, 09:53 PM
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Default Slinkies...

Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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  #74  
Old 01-18-2007, 10:35 PM
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Smile How to take a shower....

How to take a shower

How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.

4. Turn on hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.

6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.

11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body wash.

12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).

13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.

14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

******************************

How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.

9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.

10. Wash your rear end.

11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.

12. Make a shampoo mohawk.

13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.

14. Pee.

15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.

18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.
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Quote:
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I need an FJ40....
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Cruisers are superior
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  #75  
Old 01-19-2007, 09:10 AM
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Uncle Ben, nicely edited.

Wondered how someone whould deal with the "WooHoo" line.
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  #76  
Old 01-21-2007, 03:13 PM
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nakman nakman is offline
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Hey those "woohoo" lines are the best part of that email!!

I just scored 1211 on the trampoline...
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  #77  
Old 01-21-2007, 08:56 PM
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My funny of the day is that it took three hours and forty five minutes - 4:00 to 7:45 - to get from Frisco to Denver. At least it was in a new to me 80 so it's all good!!
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  #78  
Old 01-21-2007, 09:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crash View Post
My funny of the day is that it took three hours and forty five minutes - 4:00 to 7:45 - to get from Frisco to Denver. At least it was in a new to me 80 so it's all good!!
If you were driving the 62 you could have done it in three hours and forty four minutes Steve.

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  #79  
Old 01-22-2007, 09:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by red cruiser View Post
If you were driving the 62 you could have done it in three hours and forty four minutes Steve.

I don't know if that is true, Chris. I'm thinking about naming this truck "Ol Rocking Chair". It made the traffic madness almost pleasant!
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  #80  
Old 01-22-2007, 09:06 AM
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I'd worry if it came with a cane, a porch, and a lot of old stories about how things used to be...
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