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  #101  
Old 02-13-2007, 12:14 PM
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Default Sometimes we all need a push

Subject: Sometimes we all need a push

A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring outthere!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and two guys helped us? I think you should go out and help him. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

The drunk replies.... "Over here on the swing!"
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  #102  
Old 02-13-2007, 01:22 PM
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Default

I thought I would lift this off another board. The guy has a talent for writing.
Hmmm, on second thought, should this go on the OutbackToilets thread?
Non-family-friendly language cleansed...
Quote:
So my wife and I have been on this deal lately since I went back to a suit job where she does all the grocery shopping since she’s a night shift person that can’t sleep during the day and such. Usually this isn’t much of an issue. She does forget to buy certain things that I want and sometimes buys a brand here or there that I wouldn’t buy (reminds me of the scene in Pulp Fiction, "I don't need you to tell me how f***ing good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys S**T. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it.") but overall it works ok. Well, it did until last night.

Me, I’m one of those regular, right as rain kind of guys. I won’t get into all of the gross details of the BM, but let’s just say you can set a clock by me. The dudes down at NIST set the correction of the Cesium Fountain Atomic Clock based on me. If you’ve been to my house, that’s why there’s a red phone in the master library, right next to the Petersen’s and the US News. Music is piped in through the server in my office and the little 15" plasma does receive Speed Channel, news and Discovery. The way I figure it, this is a part of being a human that is, well, just one of those things you want to make as comfortable and as expedient as possible.

So there I was.

Fan on, got my new issue of Petersen’s, reading and doing my deal and I look over at the TP roll and then it begins…

This is not a regular roll of the soft, downy, pillowy goodness that we all crave to have on our TP holder. You all know what I’m talking about although we really don’t like to speak about these kind of things, but let’s face it, the roll of triple layer, puffy Super Charmin is like a cup of hot chocolate after shoveling the snow off the driveway all morning or an ice cold beer after doing yardwork during a long hot summer day. It’s just the way we like things to be. No, this TP LOOKED dangerous but searching the house for the roll of nirvana was not to be, the MIL is visiting and even a walking wipe to go searching wouldn’t cut it as cruising the house “au natural” would make old women faint and little kids cry. Nope, the TP of DOOM was the only option.

Cautiously and with much trepidation, I decided that my only option was to use the papyrus appearing material. Now, mind you, I’m in a very vulnerable position here and between the need to clean and the fear running through my soul, the ONLY option was not looking like it was a good one. So, I reel off a hunk and pull. Damn, not tearing off the roll. Luckily for me I’m wearing my trusty 50 pocket utility jeans and find my Boker Damascus, which can cut through carbon fiber layup sheet like butter, and cut a hunk of this stuff off the roll. After barely making the cut, the fear is now at an all time high. Homeland Security is adjusting the Terror Alert to red, NORAD is scrambling fighters and calling B52’s out of mothballs and W has his hand on the red button. I’m going in.

The first pass reminded me of the time I was in an accident and ended up with road rash that had to be scrubbed clean. Please pass the Demerol! Tears rolling from my eyes and gritted teeth, the job MUST be completed. What happened next is barely describable, but since I started reliving this nightmare I shall continue to cleanse my being of this scar on my psyche.

Pass number two can only be described in graphic detail. Please don’t let children or the faint of heart read this part or they will be scarred for life causing exorbitant therapy bills and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships! I went back in for another piece of what can only be described now as 60 grit carbide paper and shuddered as I aimed for the nether regions. I remember screaming like a wounded caribou that just got its testes caught on a barbed wire fence hidden in the snow and seeing what I now believe was the devil itself entering my inner sanctum, as it were, and wreaking havoc on both vital internal and external organs. All of this happened milliseconds before passing out from the intense pain. My next recollection of the event was waking up with a terrible headache, a longing for Tuck’s pads and a strong shot of tequila. Calgon, take me away.

My friends, if you care for your loved ones and for the sake of humanity, DO NOT BUY THE SAFEWAY BASIC RED BRAND OF TP. In the words of Kramer, it will mess you up.

Sore assingly,
Mike
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  #103  
Old 02-14-2007, 12:56 PM
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An oldie that always makes me laugh:


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
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  #104  
Old 02-15-2007, 05:56 PM
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Default Man Rules

Looks like this has come around again so I figured what the hey....

Guys' Rules-------------------
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh .
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Cruisers are superior
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  #105  
Old 02-16-2007, 11:02 AM
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A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise', so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."










Think about it...
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  #106  
Old 02-16-2007, 11:04 AM
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Don't tell my wife, though. For obvious reasons.
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Heb Dduw, heb ddim; Duw a digon
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I'm that gun-totin', farm-raised, evangelical, pro-environment, OHV ridin'/drivin', Southern civil rights pro-labor Liberal yo' momma told you couldn't possibly exist.
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  #107  
Old 02-16-2007, 11:18 AM
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Woman walks into the Docs office and says, "No matter where I touch my body it makes me scream in pain".

She touches her ankle, loud scream. She touches herself on the ear and screams even louder. She gently touches her belly and screams again!

The doc looks her over and looks at her brown hair. "You're not a true brunette are you?"

"No" she replies, "how did you know?"

"There is nothing wrong with your body, your index finger is broken!"
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Heb Dduw, heb ddim; Duw a digon
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I'm that gun-totin', farm-raised, evangelical, pro-environment, OHV ridin'/drivin', Southern civil rights pro-labor Liberal yo' momma told you couldn't possibly exist.
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  #108  
Old 02-16-2007, 09:15 PM
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Airline Cabin Announcements I

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but well try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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  #109  
Old 02-17-2007, 12:31 AM
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Default Monkey Biz

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey named Bubba. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.



While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.



Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.



The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "Bubba still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
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I need an FJ40....
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Cruisers are superior
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  #110  
Old 02-19-2007, 04:51 PM
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Default No one left out....

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethis****....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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Kevin
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Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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