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  #111  
Old 02-19-2007, 05:07 PM
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Default Some pun fun....

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and ays: "A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing To look at either.



10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't Find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and Says "Dam!"



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in The craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't Have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing In the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about An hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open Foyer."



18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes To a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of Himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she Also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate

Very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he Suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so Bad)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to His friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them Laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Cruisers are superior
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  #112  
Old 02-20-2007, 11:26 AM
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Default

You are hereby sentenced to drive a Ford for the rest of your miserable existence....
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  #113  
Old 02-20-2007, 12:59 PM
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Default The Police Applicants

Subject: FW: The Police Applicants

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!

It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

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  #114  
Old 02-20-2007, 09:53 PM
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Default Turn around and go back.....

Live Your Life Backwards



I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that

out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better
every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work
40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink
alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for
High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you
have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your
last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions;
central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,
and then,
you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.
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Quote:
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I need an FJ40....
Quote:
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Cruisers are superior
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  #115  
Old 03-01-2007, 12:05 PM
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Default Secret to a long and happy marriage

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's
marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes
and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all
these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent
money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.

"The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands
Ralph, please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go back to get her."
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Kevin
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Northside!

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I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #116  
Old 03-02-2007, 04:35 PM
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Default Taser trouble....

Taser

Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...

(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl
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Kevin
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Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #117  
Old 03-02-2007, 05:42 PM
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Default

They do some of that taser stuff in the Jack Ass 2 movie, which I watched the other night. Doesn't look like fun to me.
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  #118  
Old 03-02-2007, 06:20 PM
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Default

Oh my word I haven't laughed so hard in quite awhile

Thanks UB for the perfect end to my Friday work day
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Jeff Z. (the "not quite as skinny" one)
TLCA #17037
'97 LX450 - aka "The Whale"
'97 FZJ80 Antique Sage AE #267, stock
12/74 FJ40, 2F, SM420, 4" Lift, ARBs, 33" MTRs

:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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  #119  
Old 03-04-2007, 08:47 AM
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Default Key your eyes on the watch.....

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,
he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite
two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from
his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch
swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"****" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #120  
Old 03-04-2007, 11:18 AM
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Default

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper
is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper
would not hear anything that he might have to testify
about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront
the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he
brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10
million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper
where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I
don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't
know what you're talking
about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is
in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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