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  #121  
Old 03-05-2007, 09:28 AM
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Default Monday funnies....

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how was your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN, no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up
from my work and sheepishly said,"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
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I need an FJ40....
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Cruisers are superior
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  #122  
Old 03-06-2007, 07:10 AM
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MATT (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?"


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so
much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She
tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration,
her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for
her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please
don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."


UNCLE BEN (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"


PERRY (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but this
wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday
sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are
but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
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  #123  
Old 03-15-2007, 06:18 PM
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Default Older women need special care....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Cathy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Cathy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour but, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Cathy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, John

EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly on June 27 from a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Cathy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #124  
Old 03-27-2007, 11:38 AM
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Default Helpful advice for new fathers and father to be....

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q &A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbir th?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. Your not as nice as you used to be and you used to be awful.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4 Cutting y our hair to make it grow.
3. Ordering out is better than figuring out the next meal.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #125  
Old 03-27-2007, 12:32 PM
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UB, I usually refrain from joining the herds that send jokes via email.

Until you post these....
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Heb Dduw, heb ddim; Duw a digon
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  #126  
Old 03-28-2007, 07:07 AM
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There is a virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means. DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
__________________
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Heb Dduw, heb ddim; Duw a digon
Abnormally aspirated
KDØRCH
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I'm that gun-totin', farm-raised, evangelical, pro-environment, OHV ridin'/drivin', Southern civil rights pro-labor Liberal yo' momma told you couldn't possibly exist.
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  #127  
Old 04-02-2007, 10:46 AM
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A friend sent me this, with the disclaimer that he didn't necessarily ascribe to all of them... didn't tell me which ones he didn't though... hmmm...
______________________________________________________________
Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women...

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

__________________
-Bill Morgan
Heb Dduw, heb ddim; Duw a digon
Abnormally aspirated
KDØRCH
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I'm that gun-totin', farm-raised, evangelical, pro-environment, OHV ridin'/drivin', Southern civil rights pro-labor Liberal yo' momma told you couldn't possibly exist.
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  #128  
Old 04-09-2007, 11:49 AM
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Default Does my butt look to big?

Women's Butt size study:

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel About their butts. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
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Colorado Trail Patrol
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Quote:
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I need an FJ40....
Quote:
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Cruisers are superior
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  #129  
Old 04-10-2007, 11:52 AM
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The husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f__kin' funeral director
would be my first guess."
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  #130  
Old 04-11-2007, 07:45 AM
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