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  #131  
Old 04-11-2007, 11:56 PM
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farnhamstj farnhamstj is offline
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You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ! "So rry I took so long," I said, as we drove
away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...
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  #132  
Old 04-13-2007, 05:10 PM
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Default Quick thinker

A man walked into the produce section of this local supermarket and
asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about
the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some a-hole
wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly
added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you
from, son?"

"Wisconsin, sir" the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Wisconsin?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and football
players!"

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Wisconsin."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for
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  #133  
Old 04-19-2007, 10:45 AM
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Red_Chili Red_Chili is offline
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HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.


2. Place the boots on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.


3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.


4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning And messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood."

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
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  #134  
Old 05-07-2007, 07:55 AM
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Tch2fly Tch2fly is offline
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A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a
real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands
to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly
tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather
explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done
with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for
his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his
copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The
officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys
face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an
Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record
he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent
him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his
signature and mine, same number at the top.."

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
AH, underlined."

Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir"

Attorney: Aggressive and hostile"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do !"
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  #135  
Old 05-07-2007, 10:03 AM
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Default Tad rough but clean

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's
an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

"If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom....... Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
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I need an FJ40....
Quote:
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Cruisers are superior
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  #136  
Old 05-07-2007, 09:57 PM
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nakman nakman is offline
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He he.. http://www.glumbert.com/media/irack
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  #137  
Old 05-11-2007, 08:35 AM
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Default Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day

so he would be able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood,

it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood,

it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #138  
Old 05-11-2007, 12:20 PM
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Quote:
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Dude, that was way funny. "Mission Accomplished!" Ha.
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  #139  
Old 05-11-2007, 12:30 PM
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I was waiting for you to find this.. humor right up our alley! "NO! there is no exit strategy!"
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  #140  
Old 05-15-2007, 09:28 AM
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Default Oh the little s%@*!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope,propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
"Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom
and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos,tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report
card that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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