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  #151  
Old 06-04-2007, 03:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nakman View Post
This is considered to be a major breakthrough for male-female relationships because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Very good!
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  #152  
Old 06-07-2007, 12:57 PM
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A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas and he sees a sign in front of a restaurant.......

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL!
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
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  #153  
Old 06-07-2007, 02:05 PM
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Default Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
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  #154  
Old 06-07-2007, 03:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Ben View Post
Rut Ro....Our Joke forum is getting too big for the elders to remember what has been posted! Apple Boobs
Oh man, repost! Well I don't see you complaining when someone reposts over on the chearleader thread.. also I just looked and this thread is exactly one year old today! Man what a quick year..

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  #155  
Old 06-07-2007, 03:32 PM
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Default A solution?

My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it.

I love it when a plan comes together.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #156  
Old 06-07-2007, 05:48 PM
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BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL .

More routine....


(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....


(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
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  #157  
Old 06-09-2007, 09:30 PM
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Damn man, let off the gas.

http://www.break.com/index/new-jeep-...ail-rated.html
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  #158  
Old 06-11-2007, 01:27 PM
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The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux (from Breaux Bridge), to investigate. Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis **** fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Jeepers, de Hummer owners, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat **** fight in person. I knowed dem Jeepers was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Hummer owners was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "and how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."
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  #159  
Old 06-13-2007, 08:05 AM
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Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @#$!&*%!

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first pitch."


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  #160  
Old 06-14-2007, 11:51 AM
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The farmer is riding to town with the wife, when the horse misbehaves.
The farmer says "That's one."
A few minutes go by and the horse misbehaves again.
The farmer says "That's two."
A few minutes go by and the horse misbehaves once again.
The farmer says "That's Three!"
With this he takes out a shotgun, kills the horse.

The wife turns to him and says "Why would you do such a thing?"
The farmer says "That's one!"
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