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  #171  
Old 07-13-2007, 12:16 PM
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A cowboy from Texas, hauling his horse in a trailer to a rodeo, gets
pulled over by an Oklahoma DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper
started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began
to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was
doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently
buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's
what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the
ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to
fool them flies though".
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  #172  
Old 07-30-2007, 10:48 AM
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Default Telephone issues

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report
her telephone often failed to ring and that on the few occasions that
it did ring, her dog always moaned right beforehand. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the home and climbed a
telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's
house. The phone didn't ring right away but after a few minutes the dog
howled and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole
the telephone repairman discovered:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a
steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
number was dialed.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start howling and moaning
and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit thus causing the phone
to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.
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Cruisers are superior
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  #173  
Old 08-07-2007, 03:16 PM
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A Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Murphy, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began
to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to
do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear
from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and
we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED
his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day testifying to each other."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."
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  #174  
Old 08-10-2007, 10:32 AM
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Default Wine, beer, or water?

As Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria". In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Liquor = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink liquor and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.
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TLCA #17037
'97 LX450 - aka "The Whale"
'97 FZJ80 Antique Sage AE #267, stock
12/74 FJ40, 2F, SM420, 4" Lift, ARBs, 33" MTRs

:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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  #175  
Old 08-15-2007, 09:03 AM
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Tch2fly Tch2fly is offline
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Default

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school
essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country. Here are last year's winners:


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
Had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
Leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
As if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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  #176  
Old 08-22-2007, 06:49 PM
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Default Respect The Authority of Federal Employees

A cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm
and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect
your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the
United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am
allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize
bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The
Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools,
ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your
card!"
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
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I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #177  
Old 08-23-2007, 06:43 PM
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Default Couple in a car

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly
glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently taps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car,
at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm
22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11
minutes.
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #178  
Old 08-24-2007, 07:20 PM
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Default Joke

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."
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  #179  
Old 08-28-2007, 07:24 AM
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Default Makes you wonder....

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that
many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Government.

However, what you may not have noticed is that during the month of March, 1948--exactly nine months AFTER that historic date--George W.
Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleeza Rice and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
This piece of information may help to clear up a lot of things.
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #180  
Old 09-15-2007, 09:21 PM
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Default The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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