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  #181  
Old 09-24-2007, 08:10 PM
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Default Modern Medicine

Fifty Nine and Pregnant

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new

doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told

her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told

him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was

and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old,

she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her

she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking

up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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  #182  
Old 10-01-2007, 11:13 AM
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Default Busted!

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can, and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Nice boobs!"
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I need an FJ40....
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Cruisers are superior
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  #183  
Old 10-02-2007, 08:07 AM
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Default Don't Make Me If I Don't Want To Go...........

After Mr. & Mrs. Tatge retired, Mrs. Tatge insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.



Unfortunately, Mr. Tatge was like most men--he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out.



Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Tatge was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Tatge received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.



Dear Mrs.Tatge,



Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a Commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Tatge are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.





2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.





3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.





4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it Right away'.





5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.





6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.





7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.





8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'





9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.



10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.





11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.





12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonnalook' by using different sizes of funnels.





13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled

'PICK ME! PICK ME!'





14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'





And last, but not least...





15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here'.



Regards, Wal-Mart
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I need an FJ40....
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Cruisers are superior
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  #184  
Old 10-03-2007, 11:23 AM
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Shark Bait Shark Bait is offline
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Default

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they have "covertly" funded a project with the the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years whereby the auto makers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks & SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances of the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of 50 states, the recorded last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, " OH S==T!"

Only the states of Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana & Alabama were different where 89.3% of the final words were "HOLD MY BEER, I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHIN'"!!!
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  #185  
Old 10-14-2007, 09:58 PM
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Default Not talking submarines here....

OLD PEOPLE

Don't laugh we all must get old one day! But, this is funny though. Old
people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and
said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth ou t, still nothing. We even
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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Quote:
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I need an FJ40....
Quote:
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Cruisers are superior
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  #186  
Old 10-15-2007, 02:08 PM
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Default Blond Power to the 7th Degree!

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."


The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde
is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome With grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me; ... I know 'em all."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy ... it's W."

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he Crossed the Delaware ."

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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Kevin
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Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
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I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #187  
Old 10-23-2007, 11:14 PM
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Hulk Hulk is offline
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Default

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?" Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing
what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give
him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
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  #188  
Old 10-24-2007, 09:08 AM
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Default A Halloween Story

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: ' I'm not real sure, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

Happy Halloween
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Kevin
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I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #189  
Old 10-24-2007, 10:48 AM
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Default Health Alert

HEALTH ALERT -- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS

There is a dangerous virus being disseminated electronically, verbally (air-borne), and mechanically.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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Kevin
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Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #190  
Old 10-24-2007, 11:23 AM
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Default

LOL at the Halloween story..

Good one, !
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