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  #11  
Old 07-11-2006, 07:23 PM
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Romer Romer is offline
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Yeah,
Might as well go to Mud. Someone kidnapped TUT and is holding it for ransom


http://forum.ih8mud.com/showthread.php?t=100955
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  #12  
Old 07-11-2006, 07:23 PM
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Default OK to cover Matts back.....

....Edited for you forum pleasure.....



A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to
find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down
the aisle past the man and his psittacine seat mate.

"Hey, be..atch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and
make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Goshdarnit, you lazy wh*re, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly
with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique,
the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, sl*t," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry butt--I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.

In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male
flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,
jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane
at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,

"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
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  #13  
Old 07-11-2006, 10:19 PM
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Shark Bait Shark Bait is offline
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The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
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  #14  
Old 07-11-2006, 10:26 PM
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Default An Irishwoman of advanced Age

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido.
"What about trying ******?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish ******. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
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  #15  
Old 07-11-2006, 10:29 PM
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Default A Man and his Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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  #16  
Old 07-13-2006, 04:17 PM
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Quote:
A Man and his Ostrich
Bwahahahahaaa! brilliant!
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  #17  
Old 07-28-2006, 02:04 PM
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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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  #18  
Old 07-28-2006, 03:09 PM
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Crash Crash is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Ben
....Edited for you forum pleasure.....

snip

In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male
flight attendants. snip

Burly male flight attendants? Now THAT is funny!!
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  #19  
Old 07-28-2006, 03:51 PM
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nakman nakman is offline
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Got this one today:

BEST GENIE STORY OF 2006
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of
the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done ... glass was all over the place and a broken
antique
bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"

"Uh ... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like
to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you,
honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After
about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said."Thirty-five years old ... and both of you still
believe in genies?"
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  #20  
Old 08-08-2006, 11:08 PM
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Default Tree Hugger

While walking through the Boulder woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man said, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
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