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  #221  
Old 01-04-2008, 10:20 AM
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nakman nakman is offline
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  #222  
Old 01-04-2008, 10:32 AM
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Red_Chili Red_Chili is offline
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I notice Fred Thompson is missing.

Oh. By design?






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-Bill Morgan
Heb Dduw, heb ddim; Duw a digon
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I'm that gun-totin', farm-raised, evangelical, pro-environment, OHV ridin'/drivin', Southern civil rights pro-labor Liberal yo' momma told you couldn't possibly exist.
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  #223  
Old 01-07-2008, 11:24 AM
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Default Priceless

Subject: Priceless

The doctor said, 'Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press onyour spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first timein 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and start a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Bill laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Bill thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Bill and said, 'Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Bill was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!'

Bill tried on theshirt and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Bill thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Bill laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18years old.'

The salesman shook his head, frowning, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
__________________
Jeff Z. (the "not quite as skinny" one)
TLCA #17037
'97 LX450 - aka "The Whale"
'97 FZJ80 Antique Sage AE #267, stock
12/74 FJ40, 2F, SM420, 4" Lift, ARBs, 33" MTRs

:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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  #224  
Old 01-10-2008, 11:30 AM
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corsair23 corsair23 is offline
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NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

.
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Jeff Z. (the "not quite as skinny" one)
TLCA #17037
'97 LX450 - aka "The Whale"
'97 FZJ80 Antique Sage AE #267, stock
12/74 FJ40, 2F, SM420, 4" Lift, ARBs, 33" MTRs

:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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  #225  
Old 01-10-2008, 01:08 PM
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Uncle Ben Uncle Ben is offline
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Default April 15th is coming....

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KUBN
Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #226  
Old 01-10-2008, 01:17 PM
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Tch2fly Tch2fly is offline
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Mike W.
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  #227  
Old 01-14-2008, 10:56 AM
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Default A little Hokie....

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.



Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
















Shut up. You know it's funny.
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KUBN
Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #228  
Old 01-15-2008, 08:57 AM
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Default Best Headlines of 2007

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
__________________
KUBN
Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #229  
Old 01-15-2008, 09:56 PM
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corsair23 corsair23 is offline
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.
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__________________
Jeff Z. (the "not quite as skinny" one)
TLCA #17037
'97 LX450 - aka "The Whale"
'97 FZJ80 Antique Sage AE #267, stock
12/74 FJ40, 2F, SM420, 4" Lift, ARBs, 33" MTRs

:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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  #230  
Old 01-16-2008, 02:07 PM
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corsair23 corsair23 is offline
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Posts: 8,697
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Do you know any of these people?

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute , and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time , a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said , "Lady , you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said , "NO , it's not." Four is larger than two

We haven't used Sears repair since


IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25 , so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money."

I said , "Yes I know , but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "Were sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's


IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore

From Kingman , KS .


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked , "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied , "If it was without my knowledge , how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask"

Happened in Birmingham, AL


IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled , she responded , "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments


IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life , couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office , no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car , we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.

As I watched from the passenger side , I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey, " I announced to the technician , "its open!" His reply , "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi


STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and REPRODUCE and our enemies know it
__________________
Jeff Z. (the "not quite as skinny" one)
TLCA #17037
'97 LX450 - aka "The Whale"
'97 FZJ80 Antique Sage AE #267, stock
12/74 FJ40, 2F, SM420, 4" Lift, ARBs, 33" MTRs

:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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