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  #231  
Old 01-16-2008, 04:56 PM
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real life...this actually happens a lot.

customer calls and wants parts for his volvo. i tell him i need the last seven digits of his vin. he says he only has six. i tell him fine, i can figure it out from there. he says "xn377977".
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  #232  
Old 01-17-2008, 02:38 AM
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The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment , She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side; but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips...

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
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  #233  
Old 01-17-2008, 02:52 PM
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http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/...n3721902.shtml
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  #234  
Old 01-17-2008, 03:03 PM
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I thought if you got something in the mail you didn't order you could keep it?
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  #235  
Old 01-17-2008, 03:48 PM
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A winter statistic



98% OF AMERICANS SAY







" OH SH*T"



BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.







THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM KENTUCKY AND THEY SAY,



"HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."
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  #236  
Old 01-18-2008, 07:41 AM
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Suh, Ah grew up in Bourbon County... Kentucky. An' Ah resembles that remark...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sign in a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit please back in.'

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

**************************

At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

**************************

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment'

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

At the Electric Company

'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.'

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

'Best place in town to take a leak"
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  #237  
Old 01-18-2008, 08:52 AM
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Searching for dog trainers in obedience and agility, I came across this one in Broomfield:

Sit Happens Dog Training
7700 West 101st Avenue, Broomfield, CO 80021
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I'm that gun-totin', farm-raised, evangelical, pro-environment, OHV ridin'/drivin', Southern civil rights pro-labor Liberal yo' momma told you couldn't possibly exist.
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  #238  
Old 01-18-2008, 09:08 AM
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My favorite Chinese place in Columbia, MO:

Wok In, Carry Out

For reals.
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  #239  
Old 01-21-2008, 02:31 PM
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Default Two nuns...

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."
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"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

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  #240  
Old 01-21-2008, 02:36 PM
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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'97 LX450 - aka "The Whale"
'97 FZJ80 Antique Sage AE #267, stock
12/74 FJ40, 2F, SM420, 4" Lift, ARBs, 33" MTRs

:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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