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  #271  
Old 02-13-2008, 09:57 AM
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Default

"Did you know that deer bite? They do!"

I was cracking up out loud at work reading this story.

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  #272  
Old 02-13-2008, 10:58 AM
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Default Got diet?

Diet Questions Answered



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?



A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

----------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?



A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

----------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?



A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

----------------------------- ----------------------------------------- < /DIV>



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?



A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

----------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?



A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

----------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?



A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

----------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?



A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

----------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

----------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?



A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?



A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.



And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
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  #273  
Old 02-13-2008, 12:05 PM
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Default Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? Who knew?

This is for all the germ conscious folks who worry about using cold water to clean dishes.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted

'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!'

Meet Coldwater.....................

.
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  #274  
Old 02-13-2008, 09:03 PM
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Default First Responder?

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a
shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine
operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is
eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a
minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her
and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her
head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up
her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives
her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The
woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she
begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly
back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that
there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed
nobody do it!'
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  #275  
Old 02-17-2008, 01:08 AM
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Default Rub-a-Dub In the Tub

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
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  #276  
Old 02-18-2008, 09:57 AM
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Default Women = Evil?

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a
woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!

The man said , "Yo u can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!!
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  #277  
Old 02-20-2008, 02:37 AM
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Default

The GWB Presidential Library

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.

You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man's legacy.

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.


Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can buy (or just steal) an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.

To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.
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  #278  
Old 02-20-2008, 04:18 PM
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Default Hunting camp

The Guys Were All At Deer Camp. They Had To Bunk Two To
A Room.. No One Wanted To Room With Rich Because He Snored So Badly.
They Decided It Wasn't Fair To Make One Of Them Stay With Him The Whole
Time, So They Voted To Take Turns.

The First Guy Slept With Rich And Comes To Breakfast
The Next Morning With His Hair A Mess And His Eyes All Blood-shot.

They Said, "man, What Happened To You?"

He Said, "rich Snored So Loudly, I Just Sat Up And
Watched Him All Night."

The Next Night It Was A Different Guy's Turn. In The
Morning, Same Thing--hair All Standing Up, Eyes All Blood-shot.

They Said, "man, What Happened To You? You Look Awful!"

He Said, "man, That Rich Shakes The Roof. I Sat Up And
Watched Him All Night."

The Third Night Was Tullis' Turn. Tullis Was A Big Burly
Ex-football Player; A Man's Man. The Next Morning He Came To Breakfast
Bright Eyed And Bushy Tailed, Looking Well Rested.

"good Morning," He Said.

They Couldn't Believe It! They Said, "man, What
Happened?"

He Said, "well, We Got Ready For Bed. I Went And Tucked
Rich Into Bed And Kissed Him Goodnight. He Sat Up And Watched Me All
Night."
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  #279  
Old 02-20-2008, 04:20 PM
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hulk View Post
The GWB Presidential Library

I might be wrong but this sure seems to fit "Political Humor?" more!
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I need an FJ40....
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Cruisers are superior
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  #280  
Old 02-21-2008, 07:45 AM
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Default

Gender-Specific Driving Etiquette



A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road.. At the same time a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.



Then they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolls down her window and loudly shouts - "HORSE!" Immediately the man shouts back - "BITCH!"




The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.















Name:  horse.jpg
Views: 61
Size:  37.6 KB



Moral of the story:


Men never listen, and when they do,

they don't understand one word a woman says.
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