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  #401  
Old 09-18-2008, 11:35 AM
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nakman nakman is offline
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Hot diggity, a creationism vs. evolution joke!



A little girl asked her mother:
'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
They had children; and so wasall mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from
Which the humanrace evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it possiblethat you told me the
Human race was created by God,
And Dad said theydeveloped from monkeys?'
The mother answered,
'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family ,
And your father told you about his.
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  #402  
Old 09-18-2008, 11:41 AM
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Thank you....I needed a laugh!
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  #403  
Old 09-18-2008, 01:33 PM
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Probably seen before but I was revisiting one of my favorites.

WRITING ASSIGNMENT
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime
example offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his
or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the
first paragraph of a short story.

You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person
will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a
woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em
out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an
air headed bimbo who reads; too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A--hole.

(Gary)
B--ch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one
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  #404  
Old 09-18-2008, 01:37 PM
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Now a more uplifting one.

Does evil exist? The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied "yes, he did!"
"God created everything?" The professor asked.

"Yes, sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil." The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course," replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.

The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir! Or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name --- Albert Einstein
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  #405  
Old 09-18-2008, 02:18 PM
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While I agree the above is clever attributing it to Einstein is false.

http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp
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  #406  
Old 09-18-2008, 04:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Front Range 4x4 View Post
While I agree the above is clever attributing it to Einstein is false.

http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp
clever yes, but i must be evil because i don't believe/follow religion.
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  #407  
Old 09-18-2008, 04:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nuclearlemon View Post
clever yes, but i must be evil because i don't believe/follow religion.
That explains a lot!
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  #408  
Old 09-18-2008, 05:24 PM
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I was suspicious about that; I've seen that passed around in emails before and it's easy for someone to add that it was Einstein that said it to somehow add credibility to it.

I agree it's clever. I also believe there's a difference between following religion and following God. But we should make a new thread if we're going to get into that
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  #409  
Old 09-18-2008, 05:55 PM
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first known picture of micheal phelps
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  #410  
Old 09-19-2008, 07:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nuclearlemon View Post
first known picture of micheal phelps
That's funny. Must be a butterfly stroke race because he has such a lead.
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