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  #421  
Old 10-11-2008, 04:11 PM
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Uncle Ben Uncle Ben is offline
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Default Personal ads *PG-13 rating

A lonely widow, age 80, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &


MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider
you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good
in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
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Cruisers are superior
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  #422  
Old 10-13-2008, 11:04 AM
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Romer Romer is offline
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Default Installing a Husband

Bonni sent me this


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct
slow
down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications,


which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs
such as:
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.

Pl ease note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but it
either

makes the system have all sorts of gliches of entirely shuts down.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and
do not forget to install the
Guilt-trip 3 .0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1or worse yet

Girlfriend 2-01
Please note that even Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it
runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 or default to Divorce 1.00.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and
cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional
software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Regular-Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie Nightly 7.7

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support
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  #423  
Old 10-21-2008, 09:42 AM
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Red_Chili Red_Chili is offline
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Default Came across some cute ones...

*The economy's so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.



*I don't wanna say things are going downhill, but Obama's new campaign slogan is, "Are you better off than you were four days ago?".


*I tell you, I went to the bank, asked for a loan, the guy said, "We were gonna ask you the same thing."



*People in San Francisco can only afford Rice now, no more Roni.


*I don't know about you, I'm diversifying my money. I got some in the backyard, some in the crawl space, some in the mattress.


*Saw a guy at Costco buying one roll of toilet paper. That's how bad it is.


*I've had terrible financial problems myself, but I'm getting back on my feet again now. They repossessed my car.


*The economy is so bad pigs can't afford lipstick.

* How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.


* Monday was Columbus Day, all the banks were closed. Do you realize Columbus is the only person to have closed down more banks than Barney Frank and Maxine Waters unregulating Fannie Mae?


* To surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, " . . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"


* What do Wall Street and the Olympics have in common? Synchronized diving.


* General Motors stock fell to its lowest level since 1950. In terms of carmakers, GM is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels.
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  #424  
Old 10-21-2008, 09:44 AM
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Red_Chili Red_Chili is offline
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Location: Littleton CO
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Default

Have you seen Hank Paulson's Nigerian scam letter?

"Dear American:
I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America.


My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you. This transaction is 100 percent safe. This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible.



My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.


Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wall streetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction.



After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.


Yours Faithfully,
Minister of Treasury Paulson"
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-Bill Morgan
Heb Dduw, heb ddim; Duw a digon
Abnormally aspirated
KDØRCH
Bio Page
I'm that gun-totin', farm-raised, evangelical, pro-environment, OHV ridin'/drivin', Southern civil rights pro-labor Liberal yo' momma told you couldn't possibly exist.
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  #425  
Old 10-21-2008, 10:17 AM
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Hulk Hulk is offline
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Default

That's hilarious, and sad.
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  #426  
Old 10-26-2008, 10:32 AM
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Romer Romer is offline
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Default Celebrity Mansions

Here are some celebrity Mansions
Attached Images
    
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  #427  
Old 11-20-2008, 08:22 PM
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corsair23 corsair23 is offline
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Default How to Give a Cat A Pill...

How to Give a Cat A Pill


Name:  Cat 1.jpg
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1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


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7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


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9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.

Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


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14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

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:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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  #428  
Old 11-20-2008, 09:18 PM
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bigbluefj bigbluefj is offline
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Default mexican tattoo

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:
> http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
>
> 2... TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE
>
> 3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE
>
> ( Skip your e-mail address.)
>
>
> 4. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens, & don't ask me how they do that!
>
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  #429  
Old 11-20-2008, 09:25 PM
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bigbluefj bigbluefj is offline
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Default

Acompetition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing
Momentsin people's lives. The following are the final three place getters:

ThirdPlace

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
Over for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggyback ride to the phone.

Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE!'.

My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my
Friends were standing there.

My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and

Embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Second Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to
Grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
Patrons.


I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.


To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I Saw you kissing Daddy's Pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.


The last thing that I heard, as the door closed behind me was the screams of laughter.

And the Winner Is....

This one actually happened at Harvard University . In a biology class,
The professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.


A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?'

'That's correct,' responded the professor, going on to add much
Statistical data.

Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?'

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
Girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had
said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
Without a word and walked out of the class.


However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,

'It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat
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  #430  
Old 11-20-2008, 11:37 PM
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Hulk Hulk is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbluefj View Post
1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:
> http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
>
> 2... TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE
>
> 3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE
>
> ( Skip your e-mail address.)
>
>
> 4. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens, & don't ask me how they do that!
>
Nice, funny guy.
__________________
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1996 FZJ80 · TLCA #4189 · WØRDY
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If you think you can or think you can't, you're right.
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