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  #461  
Old 02-09-2009, 01:00 PM
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nakman nakman is offline
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Well I'm sure one of you sickos will find this funny..

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  #462  
Old 02-09-2009, 01:49 PM
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nuclearlemon nuclearlemon is offline
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not a joke, but freaking funny.

the guy that sits behind me at work, chris, went to a gun shop in brighton this weekend. while he was there, a couple punk kids came in asking darin (owner of the gun shop) if he had any ar's. darin said no, but with 20% down, he could have one here by tuesday. one punk kid said he was really hoping to get one today, so darin told him to hang on. he had the phone number of a place where he could get one today real cheap.

darin handed the punk a piece of paper with this on it.....1-800-GOARMY.


i laughed my butt off when chris told me about this.
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  #463  
Old 02-09-2009, 02:26 PM
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Pretty funny.

Except the kid will be disappointed. They don't issue ARs in the army.
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  #464  
Old 02-09-2009, 10:44 PM
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Know what they give each Tickle Me Elmo right before they put 'em on the shelf?

























wait for it....


























Two test tickles.
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  #465  
Old 02-19-2009, 05:06 PM
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nakman nakman is offline
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Abbott and Costello on computer sales...

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM
ABBOTT
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and
I'm
>>> thinking about buying a computer.
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Mac?
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Your computer?
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Mac?
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: What about Windows?
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the
windows?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write
>>> proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Office.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: I just did.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: You just did what?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Recommend something.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Yes.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: For my office?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT:
Yes.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Office.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say
>>> I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Word.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: What word?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Word in Office.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the
blue'W'.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you
don't start with
>>> some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
>>> anything I can track my money with?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Money.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Money.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Money.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>>>
>>> ABBOT:
One copy.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
>>>
>>> (A few days later)
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>>>
>>> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
>>>
>>> ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
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  #466  
Old 02-20-2009, 04:42 PM
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Red_Chili Red_Chili is offline
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Default If software writers made microwaves...

Windows microwave:
1) Put your lunch in the mikey.
2) Press the Start button.
3) But it's not started, you have to select the program MSLunch.
4) Open the Lunch file for today.
5) select from the drop down how hot you want it.
6) Click Run.
7) Curse because your lunch experienced the blue screen of death.
8) Buy another lunch
9) Go to step 1)

Mac microwave:
1) Put your lunch in the microwave. That's it. Your lunch already knows how to heat itself. Hope you like it that way because that is the way you get it.

Unix microwave:
1) Mount lunch in the microwave. You don't 'put' it there, that is something entirely different. You won't like what happens if you try that because there is no mput lunch functionality and you'll be there all day. Besides, you don't have privileges.
2) Open a terminal prompt. After authentication, cd /opt/lunchprog/shell. Be sure your profile includes the lunchheating profile or you could create a micropony instead of heating lunch.
3) Type: "./heatMicLun.sh -pparm 45543.1214 -vparm 988976.45595 -temp 130" where pparm and vparm are the average position and velocity of every molecule in the lunch in microparsecs and fractional light speed. Sure, a UI could wrap the functionality but real lunchers are command line, what are YOU punk? Count yourself lucky you have a 1,000 line shell script.
4) Enjoy a perfectly executed lunch heated exactly to your liking. Gloat in the power and control you have and that you won't need to reboot for years.
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  #467  
Old 02-24-2009, 09:07 AM
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Tch2fly Tch2fly is offline
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Dude really thinks he's a bada$$ KungFu master I guess
Pride comes before a fall
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  #468  
Old 03-03-2009, 02:30 PM
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing
me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know
how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am
and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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  #469  
Old 03-10-2009, 01:25 PM
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corsair23 corsair23 is offline
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Name:  Tough Decisions.JPG
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  #470  
Old 03-10-2009, 01:47 PM
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nakman nakman is offline
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Good one! I'm printing that out and putting in on my door for a while..
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