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  #41  
Old 10-10-2006, 10:48 PM
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Shark Bait Shark Bait is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick F.
That's Hell's Gate in Moab.
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  #42  
Old 10-26-2006, 10:20 AM
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Default Why?

Why, Why, Why...???



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Kevin
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Quote:
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Quote:
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Cruisers are superior
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  #43  
Old 10-26-2006, 10:35 AM
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Nick F. Nick F. is offline
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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.
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  #44  
Old 10-26-2006, 11:48 AM
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Hulk Hulk is offline
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Talking

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally,after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf
balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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  #45  
Old 10-31-2006, 12:03 PM
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Smile Happy Halloween!

A Halloween Story...................


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he
hears:


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP... behind him.



Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the
image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
toward him


BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket
bouncing quickly behind him

faster...


faster...



BUMP...



BUMP...


BUMP...



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.




However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the
casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.



Bumping and clapping toward him.



The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can
find is
a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,




(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)




The coffin stops!


Oh shut up...I just had to send it...............
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Kevin
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Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #46  
Old 10-31-2006, 05:51 PM
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Hulk Hulk is offline
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Talking Special Halloween Edition

Once I bought an antique trunk at a store. When I got it home, I put it in the garage, intending to clean it up. It was night, and my garage is pretty poorly lit. Anyway, I noticed in the dim light that there seemed to be smoke in the air. I backed up, and realized there was this weird spectral form over the trunk. It slowly shaped itself into a figure that looked vaguely like a guy in 19th century dress. It scared the crap out of me. "Who are you?" I said. The figure just stared. "Did you used to own this trunk?" I asked. The figure nodded slowly. "Oh my god! Can I take your picture, to prove you exist?" Again the figure nodded. I ran and got the camera. The figure was slowly starting to fade away. I aimed the camera, and shot the picture, but the batteries in the flash attachment were dead. The figure disappeared and I never saw it since, and now I don't have any photographic proof, even though the ghost seemed to give me permission.

So, you could say....

...wait for it...



...wait for it...
..."the spirit was willing but the flash was weak."
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  #47  
Old 10-31-2006, 07:55 PM
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nakman nakman is offline
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I little kid dresses up like a pirate for halloween, then proceeds to go out trick-or-treating. He stops by this old lady's house, and the lady remarks.. "Oh how cute, a Pirate! ...but where are your buccaneers?"

"Right under my buckin' hat lady! how's that candy coming?"
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  #48  
Old 11-01-2006, 09:45 AM
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Default

A man and a woman who had never met before, both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly--he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
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  #49  
Old 11-03-2006, 01:17 PM
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Default Heaven or Hell...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity."


"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"




The devil looks at him, smiles and says, Yesterday we were
campaigning.... Today you voted."
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Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #50  
Old 11-03-2006, 01:48 PM
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corsair23 corsair23 is offline
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Pretty sure no one has posted this yet...Enjoy

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's
response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the
response letter.


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later
than January 31,2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has
been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
the site may result this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated
12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call
their skilful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:

1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural
occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we
should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and
calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there
will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are
going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

Thank You,

Ryan De
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