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  #671  
Old 06-01-2011, 11:38 AM
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This is a funny site. It's all about people who think the stories from The Onion are actually real news stories, and then post up on Facebook about them.

Literally Unbelievable

Some of them are just amazingly laughable, like this one:
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  #672  
Old 06-01-2011, 12:11 PM
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"This is from the Onion, take it as 1/2 truth"
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  #673  
Old 06-01-2011, 01:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hulk View Post
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
I like this one, very funny!
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  #674  
Old 06-27-2011, 10:54 AM
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A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps,
took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year
started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his
body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a
former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he
really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the
rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down
at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline that year.
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  #675  
Old 06-27-2011, 03:20 PM
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OH MAN, that made me laugh out loud. I needed that thanks.
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  #676  
Old 06-27-2011, 04:19 PM
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Good one Matt!
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  #677  
Old 11-25-2011, 10:00 AM
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Default A Norwegian Math Test

Ige, a Norwegian chicka wants a job, but the foreman doesn’t want to hire her, so he says he won't hire her until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.

What's this?' the boss asks.

Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time represent the number 99.'

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that she has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go!'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'You must be from Iowa…Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Norwegian chica stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go! Von hundred!'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Norwegian winces and shakes her head…UFF-DAH…you must be a Finlander from Iowa…she leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat makes von hundred !!

So, ven do I start?
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  #678  
Old 12-16-2011, 12:02 PM
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Every man has had this conversation.
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  #679  
Old 01-10-2012, 01:22 PM
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the problems of smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who on earth would be giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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  #680  
Old 03-13-2012, 11:56 AM
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A man and a woman, who had never met before and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
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