Rising Sun Member Forums  

Go Back   Rising Sun Member Forums > Toyota 4x4 > General Chit Chat

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #61  
Old 12-13-2006, 02:56 PM
Uncle Ben's Avatar
Uncle Ben Uncle Ben is offline
Rising Sun Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Louisville, Colorado
Posts: 13,095
Send a message via AIM to Uncle Ben
Default The Purina Diet.....

....Note: "I" is not me! Just copy and pasteing.... KE


I have a Golden retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog? (DUH!)

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't,
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.

I told her no; "I stepped off a curb to Sniff an Irish Setter's Butt and
a Car Hit Us Both".

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!
__________________
KUBN
Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior

Last edited by Uncle Ben; 12-13-2006 at 03:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 12-13-2006, 03:24 PM
ginericLC's Avatar
ginericLC ginericLC is offline
Locked
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 288
Default

Kevin,

I have a funny dog story too.

My wife and I were in Scum Valley (If you are Kalifornian that would be Sun Valley) for an art show. I was walking our dogs around the outside of the outdoor show. A guy pulled up in a brand new Mercedes. It didn't even have tags on it yet. His wife got out and headed towards the displays. He started petting our yellow lab and was commenting on what a beautiful dog it was. Then he asked what breed our other dog was. He is actually a Yellow Lab/Standard Collie Cross but he is all black with pointy ears. He sort of looks like a mini wolf. So he asked, "What kind of dog is that dog?" I couldn't resist so I told him that he was an imported Dingo from Australia. He then started petting him and started looking at him and mumbling some words to him. Our dog sort of just stared at him looking at him like he was some sort of idiot. So then the guy asked me, "Does he understand English or do you have to speak Australian to him?" I couldn't help myself and I told him that he only understood Australian. There were some other travellers who had heard our conversation and when I explained that you had to speak Australian to him they started giggling. So then I called my dog I said, "Tossi, Come, Sit, and then Stay." He did everything I asked. And then I said, "See he understands Australian just fine, but if you just wanted to say HI you'd have to say G'day Mate."

Not as funny as yours but if you could have seen the other people trying not to laugh at this guy you would think it was funny too. On the way home I told Ginger what I had done and my comment was, "How can you be wealthy and stupid?"
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 12-13-2006, 03:36 PM
ginericLC's Avatar
ginericLC ginericLC is offline
Locked
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Ben
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this
is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!"

There is a problem with this story. A RAZR phone won't work anywhere but in the big towns in Montana. It doesn't support Analog which is what a lot of Monatana still is. http://www.cingular.com/support/images/maps/nat_gsm.gif And not all of the map is GSM service. All of the wireless crap pretty much won't work in most of Montana. It is still a good story though.
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 12-22-2006, 07:10 PM
Uncle Ben's Avatar
Uncle Ben Uncle Ben is offline
Rising Sun Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Louisville, Colorado
Posts: 13,095
Send a message via AIM to Uncle Ben
Default Christmas Carols For The Disturbed



1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle.......
__________________
KUBN
Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 01-02-2007, 01:09 PM
Tch2fly's Avatar
Tch2fly Tch2fly is offline
Hard Core 4+
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Peachtree City, Georgia
Posts: 929
Default

Dean Martin Show

For those of us that remember him....Foster Brooks as an Airline pilot
__________________
Mike W.
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 01-04-2007, 01:10 PM
Tch2fly's Avatar
Tch2fly Tch2fly is offline
Hard Core 4+
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Peachtree City, Georgia
Posts: 929
Default


George Carlins' New Rules For 2007


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
__________________
Mike W.
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 01-04-2007, 03:34 PM
Shark Bait's Avatar
Shark Bait Shark Bait is offline
Rising Sun Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 4,520
Default Subject: Exercise

This one that Dave Brown emailed to us is pretty funny.

Subject: Exercise

Getting old ain't for sissies...
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy, I thought I'd pass it on.
The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks, then to 50-lb potato sacks.
Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
__________________
Chris Hatfield, TLCA# 2768, KCZAB
Ad Sales Manager, Toyota Trails/tlca.org
'97 FZJ80, '07 GS350


Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 01-05-2007, 10:58 PM
Hulk's Avatar
Hulk Hulk is offline
Cruise Moab Committee
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: South Side!
Posts: 11,308
Send a message via AIM to Hulk
Talking The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name. wait for it. is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company.
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky
website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
__________________
Matt Farr, Centennial, Colorado | Webmaster: TLCA.org
1996 FZJ80 TLCA #4189 WRDY
www.rustybrain.com/cruisers my Rising Sun bio Facebook Twitter Need satellite Internet? Check out: Exede Internet

If you think you can or think you can't, you're right.
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 01-13-2007, 08:13 AM
Uncle Ben's Avatar
Uncle Ben Uncle Ben is offline
Rising Sun Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Louisville, Colorado
Posts: 13,095
Send a message via AIM to Uncle Ben
Thumbs up Road Rage....

THE BEST ROAD RAGE!

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless
__________________
KUBN
Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 01-15-2007, 07:54 PM
Uncle Ben's Avatar
Uncle Ben Uncle Ben is offline
Rising Sun Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Louisville, Colorado
Posts: 13,095
Send a message via AIM to Uncle Ben
Default Beer Googles...

Warning: PG rated!

Beer Goggles
__________________
KUBN
Kevin
TLCA #3007
Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:56 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.