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  #81  
Old 01-22-2007, 10:30 AM
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Crash Crash is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
I'd worry if it came with a cane, a porch, and a lot of old stories about how things used to be...
None of those, but it does have factory lockers!
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  #82  
Old 01-25-2007, 10:10 AM
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It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then , just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a " social thinker " .

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my
conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step............
I joined the Republican Party.
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  #83  
Old 01-25-2007, 10:23 AM
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Bwahahahaa!!!
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  #84  
Old 01-25-2007, 10:48 AM
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Best I've read ina long time Matt. Thanks!

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  #85  
Old 01-25-2007, 11:26 AM
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Default Open season....

-WASHINGTON DC DEMOCRAT HUNTING REGULATIONS AND BAG LIMITS GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington DC hunting license or a Federal Income Tax Return may harvest Democrats.
2. Taking of Democrats with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of Democrats with a vehicle is prohibited. If one is accidentally struck, remove the dead Democrat to side of the road and proceed to the nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest Democrats from limousines, Mercedes Benz's, the Metro, or Porsches.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "pork barrel" or "free social programs" for the purpose of trapping Democrats.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt Democrats within 100 feet of government buildings.
7. It shall be unlawful to use decision memos, draft legislation, conference reports, or RFP's to attract Democrats.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt Democrats within 200 feet of Senate or House hearing rooms, libraries, whorehouses, massage parlors, special interest group offices, bars, or strip joints.
9. If an Democrat is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. It will also be a shame.
10. Stuffed or mounted Democrats must have a DC Health Department inspection certificate for rabies and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise him or her self as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female congressional aide, male congressional aide, sheep, legislator, policy maker, bookie, lobbyist, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting Democrats.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #86  
Old 01-25-2007, 11:39 AM
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Default You are a Coloradoan if ...........

#32 seems wholly applicable

You are a Coloradoan if ...........

1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.

2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.

3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from
the mountains.

4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.

5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have
your own special bike lane.

6. You're under the influence and able to drive 65 miles per hour
through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you
would never go there otherwise.

8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat
Tire Beer.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snow
suit.

10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.

11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and
spring blizzards

12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU
victory.

13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests get sick
and pass out after having only 2 beers

14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but
can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.

15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.

16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of
beer and a bottle of Whiskey and not get a buzz.

17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.

18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.

19. April showers bring May blizzards.

20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.

21. You know what a 'Chinook' is

22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.

23. You know what a "fourteener" is.

24. ..But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.

25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as
a Democrat in Congress does.

26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.

27. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.

28. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.

29. Thunder has set off your car alarm.

30. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.

31. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.

32. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!

33. You know where the real "South Park" is.

34. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.

35. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.'

36. You've 'checked for ticks.'

37. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.

38. You've gone snow skiing in July and.........

39. You've played golf in January and.......

40. They were in the same year!

41. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run
into both oceans

42. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction
from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.

43. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is.

44. You don't mind if the sink is always dripping and the cabinets
are always open because you know you won't have busted/frozen pipes.

45. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your
Colorado friends.
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:

"...anything else i can do for you guys, how about i wash your car or mow your lawn while you figure out your firewall system? I am now boarderline insane/unibomber." Kipper

"That assumes I'm even capable of pulling and stabbing..." Jacket

"I really like having a detachable unit." Beater
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  #87  
Old 01-25-2007, 01:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Ben View Post
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise him or her self as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female congressional aide, male congressional aide, sheep, legislator, policy maker, bookie, lobbyist, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting Democrats.
Huh? Doesn't make any sense. Democratic politicians are idiots. Republican politicians are corrupt.

/I've been voting for the idiots, mostly.
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  #88  
Old 01-25-2007, 02:02 PM
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Default Use the right tool for the job...

An oldie but a great classic....kudos to Jerry Nichols for sending it to me!

a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying....

b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
Somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in less time it
takes you to say, "Ouch"

c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age....

d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads....

e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
Motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes....

f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm
of your hand....

g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of....

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes....

i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender....

j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack....

k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters....

l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack....

m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot....

n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit....

o. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup....

p. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect....

q. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle....

r. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining
that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought....

s. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw....

t. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading....

u. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads....

v. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in
Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

w. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part....

x. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short....

y. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit....

z. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets...
--
Good luck, remember ALWAYS use the correct tool for the job at hand...
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Northside!

Colorado Trail Patrol
Stay on the Trail!
I'm the God-fearing, gun-toting, American flag-waving, conservative you were warned about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AxleIke View Post
I need an FJ40....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Chili View Post
Cruisers are superior
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  #89  
Old 01-26-2007, 01:17 PM
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This is truly great. I copied it and sent it to some of my friends. Also learned about Whitworth sockets.
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  #90  
Old 01-26-2007, 02:44 PM
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nakman nakman is offline
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on
backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that
way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his
collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I
am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that
way..
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the
Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his
book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,
then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should
wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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